Raised Garden Beds

Dating and mating in the twenty tens

Advice for finding romantic love in difficult times for lovers

Finding love in the 2010s and beyond can be difficult for young men and women in western countries hoping to marry and have families. There are no rules. Sometimes it seems as if freedom is its own worst enemy. This is advice for heterosexual men and women in their late teens through their early forties who hope to form strong relationships. It covers: change affecting human relations; unchanging biological realities; male vs female reproductive agendas; why marriages are in trouble; why men value beauty and women value wealth; basic considerations before dating; how to flirt; tips for being romantic; how to make love; dating guidelines for both men and women; safety issues; online dating; ethical considerations.

Introduction

Note: this is a public domain document. Feel free to copy it without attribution (some quotes or pictures may have attribution requirements). I also wrote perhaps 85% of Wikipedia's article on Dating (over 1500 readers daily) as of December 2010, emphasizing a worldwide focus. In contrast, the purpose of Dating and mating in the twenty tens is to help readers find love and romance. Accordingly, it speaks frankly on an adult subject with sometimes explicit advice. Parts of this essay are not suitable for young readers. Like this article? Please add weblinks pointing to it. My aim is to make this the BEST article on the web. -- tom sulcer February 2011

Painting by Jacques-Louis David Cupid and Psyche in 1817.

I'm a handyman. I fix stuff. I know how systems within a house work. Plumbing. Insulation. Gravity. Electric. This information helps me fix stuff.

Dating and mating and love? It's like fixing a house. It helps to know how systems work. It's getting your house ready to merge with another house, like building a breezeway. What are the basic systems? How do parts fit together? This essay will try to help people understand our collective romantic house and help people date strategically.

And I see people everywhere having trouble dating and mating. Why? I think people haven't thought through the whole system.

So let's rethink dating and mating to see how romantic plumbing interacts with romantic electricity, for

Your place or mine?

example. Did you know plumbing and electricity are similar in that both have high pressure inputs (water, "hot" wire electrons) which do their "work" (wash dishes, light a lamp) then exit under low pressure (drain lines, "cold" wire currents)?

Let's begin with how things are changing. Most people may know most of this but it's important to review since the implications matter.

We're walking and breathing genetic experiments created by other walking and breathing genetic experiments. Sexual reproduction shuffles our genes efficiently into new and unexpected combinations which promote adaptation. Will a particular genetic mix survive and thrive or wither and dither? Nature doesn't care. Whether we breed successfully is up to us; nobody can do this task for us.

Humans are earth's hit creature controlling perhaps 40% of the sun's energy flows because we have adapted better than other creatures by using collective learning to share information. We can share information with other humans over space and time; squirrels, in contrast, can't do this. We're changing rapidly in relative terms compared with humans a thousand years ago by inventing new technologies such as birth control pills and cars and the Internet -- which impact our dating and mating.
We have incredible freedom and power to do things today that kings of yesteryear couldn't have even dreamed about. A hand-held cell phone would have baffled Caesar or Charlemagne; but we can have instantaneous phone conversations worldwide. The big headline of the past three hundred years is theempowerment of the individual.
Roles are changing fast. What should women do? How should men behave? Everything is in flux.
We're living longer, with better health care, more expenses, and the window of time for reproducing has widened from the teenage years up until the mid-forties for women, and is somewhat longer for men. In contrast, in the Middle Ages teenagers were encouraged to marry early and have children before becoming old at thirty-five. Many women died in childbirth; today, however, a woman can marry in her mid thirties and have three children with excellent survivability. Women can enjoy their twenties before settling down in a marriage in their thirties. People have more time on our hands in a relative way. Raising children is expensive since they require extensive education to make them employable.

While much has changed, much has stayed the same.

The physical reproduction of children has an essential inequality: men provide sperm; women incubate the babies physically inside their own bodies. It's not possible yet to divvy up this task of incubating babies along the lines of "honey if you grow our first child I'll grow our second". Women are the sole incubators and require seven to nine months before the fetus is large enough to survive outside of the womb, and this fact has huge implications for dating and mating.

Pregnant woman. Photo: Anna Kosali ccSa3.0.
Since not every act of sexual intercourse results in fertilization, and since there is a nine month delay between fertilization and birth, a man may not know whether a child is his. The problem of uncertain paternity has important consequences for dating and mating strategies. In contrast, all women know that their child is theirs since it emerged from their very own body in a dramatic hard-to-ignore way.
People have a strong desire to reproduce. People who lacked such a desire did not pass forward those don't-wanna-reproduce genes. We inherit this desire directly from our parents, although reproduction is not necessary for our personal survival. We have powerful urges to have sexual intercourse which is a pleasurable activity for most persons.
Men are stronger physically than women while women live longer possibly because of having superior immune systems. A man can force a woman to have sex, but not vice versa. Men have a much stronger sexual drive than women, generally. For fertilization, orgasms are mandatory for men but optional for women; and this difference also affects dating and mating. When men are aroused, it's obvious (although clothing in almost all human societies prevents exposure of male erections); when women are aroused, it's usually hidden. The penis is large relative to the clitoris.

Children need extensive nurturing. It helps considerably to have two parents since they can share child-rearing tasks.
That sexual intercourse is a private act requiring a visual and auditory barrier such as a room enables the possibility of cheating since there are no telltale signs after intercourse happened. If people copulated publicly in full view of the community (possibly an interesting Reality TV Show?), there would be little cheating.

I know. It's mostly basic stuff. But it's when we start to put these basic facts into a system that the conclusions start to get interesting.

Given these fundamentals, the institution of marriage has worked for thousands of years because it was an acceptable compromise which solved a slew of problems:

Marriage solved men's problem of uncertain paternity by drawing a community-supported sexual cordon around a couple roping off two people from other possible partners. Violators of the pair-bond risked community sanction; village elders frowned on others having sex with the couple, particularly with the wife. What this meant was that a man could be fairly certain that his wife's children were, indeed, his. Cheating happened occasionally but was risky: a man who slept with another man's wife risked being killed by the husband with impunity, or otherwise punished by the community by ostracism. Since men knew that children were their own, they were motivated to invest in their upbringing.
My dear, you're saying we need -- what -- a house?
Painting: Golike Vasily, 1836.
Marriage solved women's problem of being less able to raise children by themselves. During pregnancy and afterwards, a husband could fetch food and water and build a house and provide a measure of protection. She could count on a reliable partner to help her raise her offspring.
Marriage solved children's problem because it offered them a secure way to grow with not only one adult, but two with different skill-sets. The adult male could provide physical protection; the female could provide nurturing.

Marriage solved the sexual needs of adults, particularly for men. Before birth control and abortion, sexual intercourse was a fairly serious act risking pregnancy. Marriage was a way to satisfy natural urges in a way acceptable to the community.

Marriage solved the community's need to manage new members. People were less likely to encounter poorly educated disease-bearing possibly violent and growing troublemakers wandering about the town.

Marriage worked. It helped people procreate reliably. People who married tended to have children who were stronger, smarter, better educated, more fit for survival, and therefore in a better position to pass on their genes than people who didn't marry.

But today, because of rapid changes, the institution is under severe pressure. Consider how humans have changed as a species over three basic periods of human history:

the hunter-gatherer phase in which nomadic men and women had different roles. Men hunted and fought while women gathered and cooked and nurtured.
the agrarian civilization phase from about 5000 BCE to 1700 AD. Men usually had a dominant role. Exploitation of people was a given; slavery was seen as natural; rich exploited poor; strong nations exploited weak nations; men exploited women; conquerors killed men and raped women or sold them into slavery. In some respects, marriage reinforced male-dominant female-submissive roles. In almost all cultures and religions, women had fewer rights and powers relative to men. Marriage was sometimes a way for a man to own a woman like a farmer owns a cow. It wasn't fair, of course. It's only recently in terms of human history that this system is breaking down.
the empowerment of the individual phase from 1700 to the present. There is a strong orientation to treat both sexes equally and respect individual freedom. Women have rights. They can vote, hold jobs, be free. This is an excellent adaptation since it doubles the numbers of humans who can be free as individuals. But it isn't clear yet how marriages should operate.

Freshly married couple wondering, hey, where's
the boat? For the honeymoon? ccSa 3.0

Throughout all three periods, marriage has been a compromise between two radically different sexual agendas. Let me explain.

A man can reproduce in only a few minutes by ejaculating semen into an ovulating adult female. Within perhaps a few hours or so, a desire for sex can return, so it's technically possible for one man to have hundreds or even thousands of offspring by having sex with numerous females. There have been a few instances in history in which rich and powerful male rulers, such as Ghengis Khan, mated with numerous women and reportedly sired hundreds of children. Some ancient sultans had dozens of females in a harem producing hundreds of children. And a healthy male can father children sometimes past their forties and fifties into the sixties and beyond. Men with extreme wealth or power, dazzling celebrity, or some other enabling condition have sired dozens of children (one stealthy fertility doctor switched sperm donations and reportedly sired about seventy-five children in the United States).[1] Rich men in western societies sometimes follow a pattern of serial marriage, marrying one woman and having children then divorcing her, marrying another, and so on, like shampoo: marry, rinse, repeat. Wives are traded in like cars. The male agenda is sex-oriented, not love-oriented; it's no accident that almost all cases of prostitution involve men paying women for sex and not vice versa. The fundamental male reproductive agenda is about quantity. The fittest human males strive for lots of offspring.

A woman, in contrast, takes much longer to reproduce one child. In addition to time for sexual intercourse, it takes nine months to grow a baby, plus a few more months for her body to recover from the ordeal of birth. If women are fertile from about age sixteen to age forty-two, then the upper limit of the number of children that a healthy woman could make is perhaps around twenty six (assuming one baby annually), although this number can vary, with a few exceptions.[2] Generally it's risky for women younger than sixteen to give birth since their bodies may not be fully ready to handle delivery. And there isn't a sharp cut-off date in which fertility is certain, and afterwards impossible; rather, fertility diminishes statistically beginning about the late twenties, so that conception happens less often, and diminishes overall. Still, the fundamental female reproductive agenda is about quality not quantity. The fittest human females strive for a few high-quality children.

These differences have important implications. The most successful male reproducers in history have been powerful and wealthy kings who slept with harem-loads of women and who weren't that choosy about which women they inseminated; they didn't have time to be. In contrast, the most successful female reproducers in history have been beautiful women who were highly selective and smart when choosing their mates: they chose the richest, strongest, most powerful men, and they usually spent serious time thinking about their choices and weighing possibilities. In contrast to men, women's choices for mating were not split-second decisions. As a consequence, differing male and female sexual agendas results in different genetic dispositions that reside within all of us. If we are a man, it's possible for us to make our minds up quickly about which women to pursue; if we are a woman, this choice takes considerably more time. It's important not to moralize or wag fingers about this; it's how it is. It's nobody's fault. It isn't good or bad. It's biology. After all, we're the genetic result of millions of such mating choices being made generation after generation.

Differences in male-female agendas lead to differing mindsets when picking partners:

Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy about to throw
the bouquet at her wedding. A beautiful
woman. Who did she marry? A senator who
later became president of the U.S.
Men value beauty in women. Why? Perhaps it's partially because it permits a rapid split-second assessment of whether a woman is a good mating choice. It only takes a moment of thinking to assess the symmetry of the female face, healthy complexion, hair and body curves. I have a theory that symmetry makes it easy for the brain to cognitively make a beauty determination since it is easy to mentally compare the left and right sides of a face -- are they the same? (I elaborate on my hypothesis here if interested.) In a Van Halen song, the singer sings "All I want is a beautiful girl". Is a woman beautiful? Then a man is ready for sex. And a quick beauty-read is a nifty selection mechanism since it enables men to rapidly choose partners likely to be good choices for bearing successful children since beauty correlates positively with many desirable traits such as intelligence, health, disease resistance, education, fitness, and so forth. Choosing a beautiful woman to have sex with is a good quick bet on a successful reproduction strategy. The beauty assessment is fully consistent with the male reproductive goal of quantity since it allows a Ghengis Khan to rapidly choose mates. For ordinary, less dominant males as well, choosing a beautiful woman is generally a smart reproductive strategy; of course, a man seeking a lifelong partner will also weigh other factors such as intelligence or sense of humor or wealth, but generally these are secondary considerations.

Men conduct beauty contests within their minds, so upon seeing a group of women together, a man will determine the most beautiful one within a second; this happens rapidly, seemingly effortlessly, within the male cognitive process. Men can't help it. This happens. If a group of men examines a group of women, there will be considerable agreement among the men about who is the most beautiful woman in the group, since powerful standards exist across cultures with remarkable consistency. Two opposing factors operate: (1) averageness of facial features so a woman is pretty if her face most closely resembles the average of all female faces in terms of measures such as symmetry and spatial arrangement of facial features, leading to a so-called girl-next-door look and (2) distinctiveness, meaning a refreshing or unusual change that sets her apart and makes her easier to pick out of a crowd. These factors oppose yet complement each other. A woman with an average-looking face will be attractive but may be somewhat boring to men; a woman with an unusual face will be easy to pick out of a crowd but her face may be perceived as too different from the norm. When a woman has both an average face yet which is distinct and unusual so she's easy to identify, she's thought of as ultra-beautiful. She's super-female yet unique, average yet easy to recognize. When this phenomenon happens in the fashion media, the woman is sometimes referred to as a supermodel: a hot new face, an image, a temporary new beauty standard, somebody who doesn't have to talk or think to attract men. She is fashion in motion, a re-discovery of a forgotten beauty standard. It's visual, not intellectual; it's style, not substance. A few weeks go by, a month or two, fashions change, and then there's a new fashion supermodel face on magazine covers.

Women, in contrast, value wealth, status, and power in men, including physical strength. In this way, women have greater opportunity to give birth to a prince. A man's physical appearance, while important, is

Body builder, champion weightlifter, movie
star, governor. Arnold Schwarzenegger
has attributes women seek.
Photo: Georges Biard. ccsa3.0

less important than power or wealth (or today's variant of celebrity), generally. If a woman has to choose between a powerful but average-looking man compared with a less powerful but good-looking man, she'll often choose the more powerful suitor. They'll sleep with a king or a duke with little provocation, but will be less likely to sleep with a court jester or barrel maker, and will avoid peasants like the Bubonic plague. A woman at an aristocratic ball has an uncanny ability to understand, intuitively and seemingly effortlessly, the power relations among men. She'll guess, usually correctly, who is the dominant male, the richest man, who controls the strings, who works for who. Women supplement their knowledge gleaned by observing postures and facial expressions by talking amongst themselves and swapping information. Who owns what? Who works for who? Judging men is a skill she needs to compete reproductively. When a woman assesses a man, it's not a split-second decision, but many considerations come into play in a rather complex and intricate analysis so that other male attributes such as intelligence and compassion and sensitivity and physical beauty are weighed in a complex emotional calculus. A woman's initial assessment is balanced by a more thoughtful analysis which is ongoing, and which may take weeks or even months. Women are particularly adept at sizing up a man's socio-economic status with general accuracy. They must be. Women making correct guesses were better able to pass forward their genes; women making bad guesses found themselves stuck in bad situations.

Difference between the sexes are well known. Phrases like "Women -- can't live with them, can't live without them" and book titles like "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" express this sentiment. A fair percentage of topics on the TV talk show "Oprah" are about these differences. Men and women approach mating differently. We are different. I think everybody knows this.

Consider that the nightmare reproductive scenario for a man is to spend his limited resources and time raising children which he finds out twenty years later aren't his own. He's become a cuckold. He's wasted precious money and time raising another guy's kids.

The nightmare reproductive scenario for a woman is to find herself freshly pregnant but abandoned, facing the prospect of raising a child by herself. It's a scary prospect in the female psyche. The bulge of her abdomen makes her less attractive to other possible males. Many women have chosen to stick with abusive husbands because they sometimes have concluded that a mean husband is better than no husband. A husband-less woman with a young child is a somewhat tough sell on the marriage market; a second marriage is possible but it's often difficult to find an agreeable replacement husband since he would not be eager to raise another man's child. Remarriages create stepfathers and stepmothers such that one of the parents is not biologically related to a child under their supervision, which can sometimes create an environment where child abuse is possible.

Factors undermining marriage today

A hundred years ago, marriage was the only game in town if you wanted sex and children. Society pushed people to marry, such as chaperoned dances for single people, parties, matchmakers, social events designed to bring teenagers and young single people together. Many parents acted as matchmakers. And society discouraged other types of relationships. People who had sex outside of marriage risked public sanction. Prostitution was a largely hidden activity on the sidelines and generally not a threat to established marriages. Homosexuality was banned, seen as evil, hidden. Divorce was rare, and when it happened, people divorcing saw themselves as failures; being a divorcee was embarrassing. As a result of numerous pressures, people married in their late teens or early twenties, had families, and the idea of switching partners rarely crossed their minds. There were probably numerous marriages in which one or both people were less than happy. Spouses stayed married for the children. It was the thing to do. Marriage was a tight trap which lured in unsuspecting singles with the promise of wedded bliss and then saddled the suckers with diaper duty.
Today marriage as an institution is in trouble. It's attacked on many sides by many forces:

Birth control pills. ccsa2.0
Birth control -- This is a huge factor undermining marriage since it meant that people could have sex without risk of pregnancy. It undercut a basic motivation for people getting married, that is, to afford a way to resolve their sexual urges. Sex became fun, a sport almost, a recreational alternative to movies or bowling. It was a way for people to bond in tight friendships without having to worry about children. Women and men could live together as cohabiting couples for years without having to fuss with diapers, crying in the night, having to stay home.

Legalized abortion -- This was another factor undermining marriage since it gave women a way out if sexual intercourse resulted in pregnancy. A woman now had the freedom to terminate an unwanted pregnancy. She didn't have to marry an unsuitable partner. It gave her a chance to avoid part of the female nightmare scenario since, if pregnant and abandoned by the father, she could wiggle out of this bind. This was a huge step forward for womens' rights, but it had the effect of undermining the traditional type of male-dominant female-submissive marriage.

Other factors didn't necessarily undermine marriage but changed possibilities:

Empowerment of women -- Women have made terrific strides economically in getting greater power to

Beautiful Karyn Marshall embodies the empowerment of women in a
dramatic way. She became a woman weightlifter and won the world
championship in 1987. Karyn on Wikipedia

control their own careers and thrive as individuals. They don't need husbands or boyfriends of fathers or brothers to own or manage property on their behalf; rather, they are legal beings with the same rights and privileges as adult men. Women don't need men for protection since the collective power of the state, generally, provides this better than an individual man can do (except in rare circumstances); a woman armed with a gun is an equal match for a man. Female empowerment is a powerfully good thing, overall, for humanity, since it brings a refreshing new perspective to life -- the female voice -- new women writers, feminine approaches to problems, new opportunities. In sheer numbers, as well, female empowerment permits, for example, the numbers of scientists to double who might discover new solutions to human problems.

I think female empowerment has undermined the traditional male-dominant female-submissive marriage arrangement, but this is a good development overall, since marriages based on any kind of dominance were rather restrictive and confining. One partner was stifled in a narrow world of limited possibilities. It wasn't healthy. Rather, female empowerment means that new types of marriages and relationships are possible. For example, there are families where women are the chief breadwinners and men are so-called mister moms who raise the children. Overall, the chances for better relationships, based on openness, fairness, trust, equality, and reason, are flourishing, and this is a highly positive development overall, but it brings new problems.
Empowerment of individuals -- Since about 1700, there has been a gradual shift in attitudes by people and governments. It has been pointed out by theorists such as Professor David Christian in his lecture course Big History. National governments realized the benefit of supporting the individual power of people with concepts such as freedom and liberty and popular sovereignty and individual rights since it helped a nation compete with other nations. Governments which trounced on individual rights found their most talented and creative people leaving them for other nations; to retain talent, they had to support individuals, protect them and their property. The Scottish Enlightenment philosophical school, which included thinkers such as Adam Smith who wrote The Wealth of Nations, as well as British thinkers such as John Locke, emphasized individual liberty and limited government. Until about 1700, most people in civilizations had been serfs or slaves (nine of every ten people according to one estimate) with little incentive to learn, grow, better themselves, think, or invent new processes. Afterwards, the shackles had come off of people, generally. Governments encouraged commercial activity. And freedom gradually expanded in Western societies to include not only adult white men, but men of different races, and in the early twentieth century, adult women.

While individuals thrived, the bonds of marriage became unglued. People married later. Birth control permitted people to have sex without marrying; legalized abortion gave women new control over their bodies. Sex became unconnected from procreation. These changes were incredibly liberating for individuals. New relationships such as deliberately childless couples became possible. I know a couple who is quite attached to their dogs and perfectly happy avoiding parental responsibilities. Divorce became common; one estimate fairly recently examining marriage patterns in the U.S., Britain and France was that 50% of couples marrying would have their marriages end in divorce (although other signs suggest the divorce rate is lowering somewhat since the 1970s). One demographer and sociologist described marriage as a merry-go-round, with persons hopping on and off as it suited them.[3] Why? Individual freedom and choice trumped parenting responsibility. If a spouse became boring, they'd switch. It became less important, overall, for a family to stay together to raise children, and more important for individual partners to enjoy life. The impact of a divorce on children wouldn't be felt right away, but only felt gradually over time; in most situations, children had no voice in decisions regarding family break-ups, and would have to adjust to whatever the adults decided.

In the past, a young single woman living at home with her parents, bored, might have found that dating a man with a good job would be an exciting possibility. It got her out of the house. The prospect of marriage meant a boost in her status and respect from the community. It was a step up from living at her parents' house. A husband was a ticket to a better life. She could dangle the promise of sex to secure a marriage commitment; sex was a precious commodity and a powerful bargaining chip in the female poker hand. Sex wasn't readily available for most single men except with, perhaps, prostitutes, but this was often an unappealing option with a risk of disease or embarrassment on top of possible social sanction. To single women living at home, perhaps even average men may have appeared romantic. Both people knew the simple rules -- that a guy was supposed to make advances, that a gal was supposed to resist; a couple might kiss but not have sex otherwise she wasn't a good girl meaning worthy of marriage. It wasn't ideal; many couples didn't know much or talk much about sex, that is, they didn't know that they didn't know.

But today, many young women move out of their parents' homes into apartments which they pay for, which they rent or own, and they make choices based on their individual preferences. The prospect of a date with a man is less exciting in a relative way. Women have their own money to pay for a movie, go bowling, travel on vacation, dine with friends. Over time, living the single life, women may grow comfortable with habits and preferences about such matters as which furniture and foods they prefer, and these habits can become entrenched over time, and harder to give up after a decade. The prospect of moving in with a man risks upsetting these habits. He has a dog; she thinks dogs are messy. He likes racquetball; she likes quiet strolls on the beach. Does marrying him mean having to play racquetball? Does marrying her mean having to take long boring strolls on the beach?

Actor George Clooney in 2000 at Cannes. He's a
manufactured image designed to sell movie tickets.
Professionals assist with his look, such as
makeup artists, speech coaches, wardrobe consultants.

Factors such as these meant that women can be choosier and more discriminating when dating a man. Women didn't have to marry to achieve a boost in status or power. They could stay single for their whole lives if they chose and enjoy a comfortable fulfilling lifestyle. And with greater exposure to the media, to romance novels, popular television and movies, a date with a real man may fall short of her expectations. She's hoping for a movie-star type who always says the right thing, looks great, is rich and exciting and mysteriously engaging. But real men aren't like that. After being exposed to literally thousands of hours of media images with beautiful men who say the right thing, as well as possibly reading romance novels featuring perfect men, she may have a mental expectation of being wooed by a George Clooney clone. But the Clooney persona is only a fiction, an image, a created bundle of images by an industry skilled at image-making. The real George Clooney farts, has pimples and dental issues, is strongly reluctant to marry, can be annoying, isn't always funny, won't be loyal, but these problems are not seen on the silver screen. A real woman will have to date real men, but on her date with a real man, she may be expecting a Clooney clone.

Another change happened subtly. Women seeking a marriage commitment lost sex as a bargaining chip since many other women were having sex regularly. If a woman withheld sex from a reasonably attractive financially competent and otherwise marriageable guy as a way to encourage him to make up his mind to marry her, he could find sex elsewhere from other willing women partners without having to marry any of them. Her effective bargaining power was undercut. If she wanted to keep a man and keep alive a chance to marry him, she felt pressured to sleep with him anyway if only to keep other women away from him.

These pressures undercut the collective bargaining power of women seeking marriage. This point was made in a smart analysis by reporter Danielle Crittenden in her excellent and controversial book What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us in which she argued that what other women do or don't do affects a woman's ability to marry, and I think this is generally the case. Generations ago, if a man wanted to have any sex, he had to marry a particular woman. Today, however, to get a ring, a woman had to get her man to want sex with her and her alone -- and this was possible but worked against the general male agenda of quantity not quality. Birth control was available; why not use it?

There were more instances of cohabiting couples with a woman secretly thinking that maybe he'd want to marry sooner or later, but worried about forcing the decision, and not knowing how to even bring up the subject of marriage without scaring him off. The man enjoys sex without feeling any particular pressure to marry. Couples in their twenties would grow into their thirties, think about marrying but postpone the decision, get a bit older, think about it again, and delay further.

New patterns emerged. Many young singles living in cities waited longer to marry. Some formed a new bond -- a relationship -- boyfriend and girlfriend -- sexual exclusivity but without a formal commitment. They might marry later, or might not -- they were seeing what it might be if they moved in together like a trial marriage. Some single women in their early to middle thirties, deciding it was time to finally settle down, found dating to be more challenging and difficult. The most eligible men were often taken and the remaining pool of men often seemed lackluster. People who married in their thirties or early forties sometimes found it difficult to conceive children, since fertility diminishes gradually over time.

All of these patterns are relatively new for humans. Single mothers. Divorced dads. Cohabiting couples. Couples marrying but not wanting children. Market researchers had terms for many of these new-fangled arrangements: DINKS (divorced no kids); empty-nesters. And changes continue to happen and people are doing our best to adjust to new possibilities.
The world is in play. Relations continue to change. Where is this headed? It's difficult to say. My personal sense is that marriage is still the best way to have healthy successful offspring. While it's more difficult than in prior generations to get married and stay married, even better marriage relations based on mutual respect and trust and friendship are possible, but it takes creativity.

With this in mind, what follows is general strategy advice for heterosexual men and women seeking families.

Basic considerations

An essential prerequisite is to get your act together. This is difficult. Being human is tough for all of us. If interested, I advise both men and women to read Mentally healthy mind which isn't about overcoming mental illness but rather is a guideline about how to live optimally and flourish, to be successful, to be free and independent. Schools, unfortunately, don't teach this stuff, but they should. It's a pathway to a higher level of activity.

Love yourself. ccsa3.0

An equally important task is loving yourself. This is absolutely vital. I think most people love themselves naturally but not always totally, perhaps by attaching tags or conditions on any self-love. I recommend finding for yourself a quiet spot somewhere, and thinking, and coming to the realization that only you can love yourself fully, that it is your right and proper and natural duty to do this, that nobody else can love you as much as yourself, and that you fully commit to supporting yourself through thick and thin as your own best friend for life. Our parents did the best job they could to get us here, to this point, and love us, but they can not love us as much as we can love ourselves. Abandon any blame attached to parents, to God or Nature, to past experiences, to teachers or schools. You're you. You're here now. Love yourself. Totally. Unconditionally. It's necessary for you to love yourself first before you can love somebody else. You've probably heard this elsewhere. It's true. Knowing who you are, and being secure in your knowledge, will make it harder for you to get whacked off balance by the weird things which life throws at us.

Decide if marriage is what you want. It's not for everybody. Realize it's a long term commitment and children suffer when marriages wrangle apart amid shouting and hurled dishes. If the choice is between being single versus being miserable in a relationship, you'd rather be single, wouldn't you?

Market yourself. Write a 25 word marketing blurb which describes briefly who you are and what you're about. It's your story. It lets people you meet have a quick handle on who you are in the dating market. With this information, they have a sense of your starting point so they can build new information on it, and get a sense of how they might interact with you. Example: I'm a mechanic from Quebec who is saving for my own repair shop and want my own family someday. Or: I'm an editorial assistant with a big city fashion magazine and like to travel and explore the world. Political consultants advise clients to stay on message. You should too. When meeting people, be ready to communicate your story consistently as well. Don't try to be everything to all people; know who you are, your strengths and weaknesses, and ratchet up your game.

Remember, love is a game with no rules. What characterizes a game? Rules. So love is game-like but it has no rules which frees you to experiment, try new things, violate conventions, pull hare-brained stunts if you wish. As you've heard, all is fair in love and war, and this applies today as always. If what you do gets you your girl, or wins you your man, hey, it's good. Since everything changes rapidly and continues to change rapidly, if your creative new strategy works, stick with it. Be open to new people, new ideas, new types of relationships.

Last, you're on your own. Institutions such as church or school-sponsored dances which used to bring single people together and encouraged them to marry have diminished substantially. Parents are busy with their own careers and lives and tend to be less connected to other parents in your town; they're less willing or able to serve you as a behind-the-scenes matchmaker. Church dances attendance is less. Schools focus on academics and grades, not dating and ethics and bringing people together romantically.

Strategies for men

Given the reality that women expect more, are more demanding, it behooves us guys to rise to the challenge. We must excel in the interestingness department.

Respect yourself

This is so important! You need to value your own self-worth as much as possible. Appreciate your worthiness, your facility, your goodness, your essence. You're worth it. You're a catch. You're a precious entity. Convince yourself that this is the case. If, deep down, you don't feel you're worthy, a woman will sense it and they'll flutter away like butterflies. It is especially important to know your self-worth because there will be times (unfortunately) when you will be rejected, and it will hurt, but your self-respect means you'll pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back into the rodeo.

Learn flirting

It's easy to do, quite fun, and basically simple. It's playful teasing with a fun cast of mind. On some level, you

"It's all right. I'm a doctor."
"You are NOT a doctor."
"I'm a licensed gynecologist. Let me take your pulse."
Flirting is adult playfulness with a fun cast of mind.
Painting: Miklos Barabas (1841)

can play a gentle rogue, somewhat difficult, not dangerous but playfully exploring her, her world, people in general, toying with emotions, laughing. Look her in the eyes. Raise one eyebrow. Flutter your eye lashes like Hugh Grant in Notting Hill. Dare her to touch tongues.

The flirting formula is: I'm a man -- you're a woman -- ain't that great! It's pointing out wonderful differences which enables serious flirting as well as much of romantic poetry. It's an open-minded focus on the possibilities of what another person might do, that suggests you'll react to whatever they do and be pleased with the new result. It's like playing basketball: she's got the ball and you're covering her, paying attention to every move. If she goes left, you'll go left, constantly trying to grab the ball! You're focused on her body, totally, on every move.

When talking, if something is important, treat it lightly; if light, treat it with thundering importance. When your girl does something trivial, treat it like it's the greatest disaster to ever hit mankind. Say: "I can't believe you lifted your fork before your spoon! They'll have to rewrite etiquette rule books in fifteen languages!" When it's a subject of great gravity, make light of it. Say: "Too bad about that mining disaster. I once had my big toe buried under a foot of sand so I understand how the victims must feel." Keep a straight, nonchalant face; don't laugh at your own jokes. It's light kidding, banter and fun, trying to get her to laugh (biologically helpful since laughter spasms helps women practice for the intense breathing necessary during childbirth.) If she feels little things she does have a big impact on you, it's one more way of saying that you're paying attention to her, that she matters, that she is important.

Self-deprecatory humor can be a double-edged sword. Dating expert Ron Louis advises inHow to Succeed With Women (highly recommended book by the way) that you can use self-deprecatory humor but be careful not to put yourself down too much. There's a careful line you should avoid crossing. You want her to enjoy your company, have fun when she's with you, enjoy your sense of humor, but if your self-deprecatory humor causes her to think you're a chump or a fool or a lightweight, then your prospects are toast. So, self-deprecatory humor is fine provided that she sees through it and continues to respect you; if she believes your self-deprecatory humor and thinks you're a chump, it's backfired.
It's vitally important for her to respect you in as many ways as possible: to respect you as a sincere man; as a powerful fighter who will protect her; as a savvy people-person skilled in interpersonal relations; as a possible husband and breadwinner. Her respect tells you she'll be faithful and true and a good prospect for marriage. Respect is like solid rock beneath our feet which enables us to build the solid house of marriage.

Don't make fun of her appearance. This is a big no-no. For a woman, this is a serious internal subject. She's trying hard to impress you with her beauty, but nobody is perfect. And every woman, to varying extents, thinks they're beautiful on some level. A negative comment on her looks, her taste in clothing, or her hair is like a stab in her heart. Don't do it. She won't find it funny.

Pay attention to her. Listen. Remember what she said. This is a sign that you're going to be a good, caring husband who won't desert her after she's had your first child. Remember her birthday. Learn the names of her brothers and sisters and details. Show signs you're investing your time and energy into learning all about her. After a date, if it helps, write details in a notebook and study them when you get the time.
Sex as a subject can be treacherous. Avoid giving off any sense that you expect her later to sleep with you. You don't want her to feel that since you've spent money on her, that she's obligated to have sex with you -- in one sense, that makes her into a whore. Understand that she's the gatekeeper. If you think she likes you, respects you, then a little flirting about sex probably won't be harmful. But keep it clean and light and fun. You want to create a comfortable feeling between the two of you, so comfortable that she is tempted to make moves on you. There's a fine line between being sexually suggestive and being vulgar. On those key first dates, keep away from this line on the safe side as much as possible.
Say her name when you can. People love hearing this most beautiful sound.
Flirting expert Fran Greene suggests flirting fails when it's a means toward a goal; rather, she suggests it should be fun in itself, playful, present-oriented not future-driven. If you try to flirt for the purpose of securing a date, this undermines its playful spirit. Shine your spotlight on the other person (not on yourself) and on your mutual energy, she suggests. Greene suggests that flirting shouldn't be a manipulative dishonest power play; it is not a seduction.[4]
Maintain an edge. Make her comfortable but not too comfortable. You can do this by occasionally springing something on her out of the blue -- a joke, a gift, a tease -- something unexpected which keeps her not knowing for sure whether she has you or not. It keeps her on her toes, slightly off balance. You're a prize worth winning and you never want her to think you're a sure thing or worse, to take you for granted. You must avoid the dreaded friend zone (described later.)

Consummate flirter. Mona Lisa, by Da Vinci.

Flirting is being adults but playing like kids. Tag: you're it! It's footsie under the table at swanky clubs. And flirting is being somewhat ambiguous about what you're doing; are you kidding or being serious? Part of the fun is getting another person to try to guess which is which. Look at Mona Lisa's smile: is she kidding? is she serious? The ambiguity is beguiling, isn't it?

Learn romance

Most men do not have a clue about how to be romantic. It's not taught anywhere and doesn't come naturally. Perhaps only a few men learn this art and they're reluctant to share their secrets with the rest of the world. If they're good looking and personable, they will have sex with lots of women.

Part of being romantic is to genuinely fall deeply in love with a woman and be under her spell. It's intelligent poetic infatuation, uncontrolled, passionate, something beyond your power that happens to you. It's not rational. It's not a coincidence that one of the greatest rationalist philosophers, Spinoza, never connected with women -- he was too smart, too much in control, so he never became overwhelmed with love for a woman. But you can not control romance. It controls you. You can't help but sing her songs or write her poetry or erect billboards to her beauty. You're attracted to everything she does. If she does something bad or stupid, you can't see this. It's a kind of blindness. You see only her. When she breathes, you breathe; if she cries, you have a gut-wrenching feeling of being ripped up inside like a hand grenade exploding in your innards. If anybody insults your woman, you'll extract your sword and make them beg for mercy. It's like being a knight in shining armor, crusading for her as your Queen.

Romance is being helpless in an emotional way, highly dependent on her love. Every moment you two can share is precious, given by the gods, and when you realize that this love is precious and time is limited, it makes life sweet. There is an aristocratic conspiratorial element to romance. It's like you and she are entered into a secret conspiracy of you two against the world -- whispering, plotting, sharing your innermost thoughts, like having a secret shared language. A man romantically engaged can be highly appealing to the female sensibility, since it suggests to them that the bond between you both isn't passing but strong enough to last a lifetime, and that sleeping with such a man is within the realm of sensibility since he's likely to stay around for a lifetime. There's also a seductive element of fatalistic unavoidability, that it's fated that sex will happen between you and your woman, that trying to avoid this inevitable sexual encounter is doomed to failure like kickboxing with God.

So, give in to love. Surrender. And being romantic is about getting the other person to see the fatalistic inevitability, and surrender as well. Being romantic means, on another level, that since you're totally wrapped up with another person, that you'll be an excellent and pleasing partner who will bring her to electric-feeling sexual orgasms again and again and again; hey, you can't help but be wonderfully skillful in bed. You'll do to her sexually what Rachel Ray does to a chicken: you'll marinate and simmer. You're paying full attention to her body. It's destiny.

Falling in love is a powerful feeling that we can't control. It either happens or doesn't happen. But knowing what it's like can help you get to a romantic mindset. If you see a beautiful woman and want to make love to her, then realize that this is the first step to falling in love with her. You're on your way. Buy her gifts. Create surprises. Read a romance novel or two to get a sense of what women like, and try to bring the same moves into your own approaches to dating. Try to see the world through her eyes. How does she see things?

Remove the danger variable

Woman flirting. Photo: Peter Klashorst ccsa2.0

A reasonable woman, on a first date, who doesn't know you or your parents or friends, has reason to beware of the danger of violence, rape, and physical injury. There are a few men out there who wreck things for the rest of us, unfortunately, and she won't know whether you're one of these nutcases until she gets to know you better. The risks for a woman are high: one wrong choice can cause her to be raped or murdered or assaulted. So it's not acceptable on a date to even joke about violence. Now is not the time to whip out your dead baby jokes. Whatever you do, strive to make a woman feel safe -- from others and from you. And there are a number of ways to do this.

Initially meet in public places such as restaurants or movies. Give her a chance to get to know you first. Don't even suggest meeting anywhere private.
Don't say anything which might be falsely interpreted to mean that you don't respect her physical rights.
No joking about rape, physical violence, harming animals, torturing your younger brother with the spatchela.
Don't act like you're dangerous either. Flirt, be friendly, smile, but don't be cold. Relax. If you give her the impression that you're afraid of your own impulses, she'll be afraid as well, and this will work against you.
It helps immensely if you already have a girlfriend. This establishes you as a safe and legitimate player. If you're in high school or college or at a company, being seen with a girlfriend is an excellent way to alert other available women that you're a safe bet. Other women will see you, see you with her, see her alive and well day after day and week after week, and they'll conclude you're probably not an ax murderer or date-rapist. You're broken in. You'll probably behave reliably as a boyfriend, that is, you're boyfriend material. When one woman puts her stamp of approval on you by being your girlfriend, you're past an important hurdle in the dating world, and your opportunities open up dramatically, particularly if you're in an enclosed world such as a high school or college in which people can talk to other people. One strategy, then, if you find yourself within a semi-enclosed social world like a college, is to begin dating a woman you're mildly interested in; go to movies with her; be seen together; but just be friends; don't sleep with her or lead her on. Other women will see you two together and this connection will make you a safe blip on the female radar. If they ask your girlfriend about you, she will say truthfully that we're just friends but they may suspect the relationship is deeper.
If convenient, ask a male friend of yours who is presentable and respectful to drop by (as if by chance) and say hello briefly during your date. When she sees you with friends or business associates, it bolsters your reliability factor.
A variant is if you can meet a woman within circles of friends, so everybody knows each other. You can get to know the person with the safety of the group, but it's harder to control the different variables in such a setting.
Another situation in which the danger variable is removed (usually) is when you're introduced to a woman through a mutual friend, or if your parents have known her parents for years and years. She'll know you're safe.
Realize that women-as-a-sex protect themselves by talking to each other extensively about their encounters with men, even mentioning intimate details. This helped individual women survive because they could alert each other discreetly if there was an abusive or potentially violent man out there. They could avoid him or bring community pressure on an offending male to behave. Unlike men, women don't hold back when conversing amongst themselves. They're not reserved. Expect your woman will talk about you to other women and don't get frazzled by this since you understand why this happens.
If you're in your middle twenties or early thirties, consider your classmates from high school, college, secondary school or university. There's a shared educational experience between you two. When ten or fifteen years have passed, and she sees you again, she will probably assume (correctly) you're safe -- otherwise you'd be in jail. Accordingly, it makes sense for you to stay in touch with classmates by social networking sites and attend reunions when possible. Stay in touch by email. Find excuses to have lunch together. (If interested, check out my romantic comedy screenplay about a zany prep school reunion experience: Fifteenth Reunion.)

Women want a guy who is smart, powerful, with potential to be a good provider and who is respected by others. But they don't want a man who is so smart that they can not be controlled by them somewhat. It's like marionettes or puppets on a string -- in a relationship, you want your lover to have a few of the strings which control a few things you do, but not all. Give your woman the heart-strings so she feels she has some measure of being able to control you emotionally -- that she has a sense that if she withdraws her love for you, that you'll be hurt. But she should not expect to have strings which control your arms or legs or wallet or friends or control where you work or how much money you earn -- you don't want to be a slave or a total puppet, but only a partial puppet.

The character of Joey on the TV serial Friends illustrates this fetching guy persona that women love. Joey wasn't book-smart or college-smart but had a lovable innocence. Women didn't worry that he was too complicated or difficult since he had an almost boyish sensibility. Of the three male characters, Joey consistently attracted the greatest share of female admirers (based on audience polls) rather than the smart-aleck Chandler or the more intellectual paleontologist Ross. Another fetching guy trait is earnestness: think of the Nicolas Cage character in the movie Moonstruck or the Harvey Keitel character in The Piano. It's a guy with strong feelings of love who comes right out and says what's in his heart despite the sense that he's being too outspoken.

The advantage of statistics

Regardless of changing gender roles, it's still the guy's role to initiate a relationship, to come on to a woman, to begin flirting. Make moves. Try for a kiss. Women love hugging. It's a man's job to try to get laid; it's a woman's job to be a gatekeeper. Conceptually, give her a smorgasbord of reasons why she should choose you to have sex with; let her pick a reason or two or three.

Flirt with women you find beautiful. Don't assume that if a woman is beautiful that she's unavailable; many beautiful women are lonely. That she's beautiful will help you make the right moves.
When two women are in public, approaching them poses a challenge.
You, plus two, makes three: and three's a crowd. Photo Alex ccsa2.0.
If you're single, you are free to flirt with lots of women. The best situation is when a woman is alone in public.
If women are in a group, then it's somewhat risky approaching them. You may feel like you have to play to an audience. If you get rejected by one, the others will watch you go down in flames in near total embarrassment. If you approach a group of women, pick one and flirt with her and only her.
If there are only two women together, then it's even more difficult but not impossible, since you are interested in only one of them and the other woman may become a sort of third wheel. If you try to talk to one woman, alone, then the other woman may feel abandoned by her friend. Most likely, the two of them were having a valuable conversation as part of their deepening friendship; and you're interrupting this. If either or both women are interested in you, then they may become jealous of each other. It can be a tricky course to navigate socially. Perhaps the only thing you can do in a one-on-two situation is flirt with both equally, that is, to treat them as if they're a joined-at-the-hip double female entity, a combined package. A few days later, perhaps, you'll find out if either one is interested in you (they may decide amongst themselves.)
Do not take it personally when you get rejected. Do not let it get to you or make you sour. Keep cheerful, optimistic, keep trying. A particular woman may be the right one for you but the timing may be wrong at the present. Or she may be having a bad day. Or she may like a certain type of man, and you're not her type. It's not rational or logical or fair. It's not easy to get into her head and understand her motivations; she may not even understand her own emotions. If rejected, move on, but keep lines of communication open if it seems sensible. The woman who rejected you today may become receptive to you in a few years. Do not give her rejection of you any more emphasis than it deserves -- it's not a thorough evaluation of your character; it's not the ultimate grade in the course of life; rather, it's a speed bump, nothing more. She doesn't really know you well. She's guessing like everybody else is guessing.
Keep asking out more women. Date frequently. Have business cards ready to hand out. Since you don't know how many dates it will take until you find a suitable partner (you like her, she likes you), make dating a habit; one writer went on 34 dates before finding somebody. [5]
Approach a single woman alone by saying hello and introduce yourself with a smile. Meet her eyes. And pay full attention to her this moment. There may be an awkward silence when she says hello back and you're just both standing there, looking at each other, feeling awkward. But enjoy this moment! And if you're paying attention to the whole moment, either you or she will know what to say from that point on; trust me. If you can't think of anything better, say hello hello, with a smile, like it's a game.
Don't use a come-on line. If you walk over to a woman at a bar, she's on guard and is half-way expecting a stupid come-on such as Do you come here often? or If I say you have a beautiful body will you hold it against me? These lines give her the impression that (1) you think she's stupid enough to fall for them (2) you use it on lots of women and therefore she's not special but just a possible future notch on your bedpost (3) your only desire is to get laid. The line metaphor suggests you're a fisherman, she's a fish, and you're trying to use a line to reel her in. And she'll probably be ready to respond with a counter-line or rebuff to make you feel stupid. So avoid any initial comment with the tiniest whiff of a line-like smell. Another possibility is to say something which relates specifically to your situation, but be careful. Whatever happens, however she might respond, you want to be able to shrug your shoulders in bewilderment and say hey, I was just trying to be friendly. And you were.
Dating adviser Dr. Ali Binazir wrote: "Go get rejected. A lot."[6] He's right. The idea is to overcome your fear of rejection, to get you into the game. Risking rejection means you're "exposing yourself to danger" which is the "crucible in which manhood gets forged" according to Dr. Ali.

If the downside of women-as-gatekeepers is being rejected; then the upside is freedom to jumpstart new opportunities. Bounce back by taking advantage of the male prerogative of approaching any women you wish. If it's any consolation, this is something we can do and should do since it increases our mating opportunities; remember women can't do this with the same openness but should be more discrete about making advances. If a woman approaches a man, it puts her in a gender-awkward position of looking possibly sex-hungry and desperate; further, it's confused biologically in a sense.

Get good at reading women. Women send body signals by (1) playing with their hair (2) doing a head toss (3) crossing and uncrossing their legs (4) exposing their wrists or neck (5) hiking their skirt (6) dangling a shoe (7) preening maneuvers such as adjusting clothes (8) playing with jewelry (9) mirroring (copying the other person's body movements), [7] according to flirting expert Fran Greene.[4] Leg and foot positions can reveal underlying dispositions and are not as carefully controlled as facial expressions which can be misleading, according to Greene.

Avoid the dreaded 'friend zone'

There should be sexual tension on those key first dates. Will sex happen later? Your body and hers should feel like celestial bodies tugged by magnetic forces. But tension can feel uncomfortable; it wants to resolve itself. And it can uncoil in weird non-sexual ways. A woman may deal with the somewhat uncomfortable tension by ceasing to think of you as a possible sexual partner but as a companion, a therapist possibly, a friend without a pointing penis. She may begin treating you as if you were one of her girlfriends. She may blab about boring stuff like cookware or catchy fabrics or what boring Jennifer said on Tuesday in such a way which suggests sexual tension has dissipated. She'll confide her secret feelings about her other girlfriends. She'll yak about personal problems as if you're her therapist.

So, what's going on? This is very difficult to read. It may be her personality to talk this way, or it may be her nudging you into the dreaded friend zone, termed by Dr. Ali Binazir as Justfriendistan, [8] or let's go further and call it Quicksandistan. It's easy to misinterpret signals. Be alert during those initial dates for tentative signals emanating from her with an undercurrent of you're-only-my-friend-and-not-my-lover. If you hear these signals, act decisively -- call her on it, object to them, make an issue of it, tease her about it -- but whatever you do -- do not accept being treated this way. If you do, then your molecules and hers may align in some static safe orbiting pattern which, unfortunately for your penis, doesn't involve sex.

But what you must understand is this: You're not her girlfriend! You're not her therapist! Do not let her treat you like a girlfriend or therapist! You're a man. She's a woman. You want love and sex. You're after serious pronging. Be prepared to say, firmly, hey I'm not your girlfriend. Stop talking. Stop walking. Look at her. Pick her up, move her against a wall, and kiss her tenderly but firmly. Your relationship is important and you're taking rather drastic steps to salvage it. You can also end the date abruptly, possibly, if you think this will cause her to rethink her attitude to you.

But realize that IF you let yourself be treated like a girlfriend then your relationship has taken a sad detour with little hope of escape. You're stuck in Quicksandistan. You've been typecast in her movie as a minor character. You'll never play the leading man. You're inside an episode of The Twilight Zone aptly called the Friend Zone. You can keep her as a girlfriend, and get her advice about other women you're dating, but that's probably all you'll get. Dr. Ali counsels that it's possible to get out of exile by being "a little bit dangerous", not in a violent sense, but by lacing every utterance and action with sexuality.[8] He explains: "Dangerous men are comfortable in their skin as sexual beings and make no apology for it." If you find yourself scrambling in the friend zone, you're free to tease, cajole, and experiment. But don't waste time and money here; you're better off pursuing other women.

Be marriageable

Women want men with steady jobs, with income, who are capable of supporting them and their children. The ideal situation is a guy who earns at least double what the woman earns, so that she can quit her job to raise children and still enjoy an increase in her standard of living. But the reality of the work world today is that high-paying jobs take time to win, and luck to keep. So, as much as possible, get the best job you can and earn as much as possible. And make efforts to show and reinforce your earning potential at every opportunity:

While dating, talk positively about your job and future prospects. Talk about your plans for growing your business, for winning that next client, for where you'll hope to be in five years.
Be confident. Smile.
Wear expensive-looking clothes. They don't have to be expensive, but look smart and stylish and comfortable. Dress nicely. Shoes should be appropriate to the occasion and clean; women check these out all the time. Get into a routine of showering and using cologne.
Have a nice car, if possible. Clean out your junk from the seats; vacuum it.
Women love uniforms. Wear a jacket and tie. Military uniforms, police uniforms -- they're like magnets.
If you don't make lots of money, there are still ways to connect with beautiful women, but it takes being creative.
If you meet a woman at work, she'll know you have a job. Workplaces are a great place to meet women.
When sitting across from a woman at a table, reach over slowly and touch her gently on a permissible place, like her elbow or shoulder. She may be somewhat surprised you did this, but will probably like it (women respond to touch), and be impressed that you're ballsy, a man of action. The idea is to give her a brief sexual jolt.
Another one-time maneuver: Look into her eyes, look slowly down at her breasts, then look back up into her eyes, smiling and relaxed. This tells her you're not afraid to check her out, that you're interested in her beauty, and that you think she's beautiful. (You only get to do this once; if you keep doing it, you're being obnoxious.) It's tactics like these which increases desire and ups the suspense factor, and keeps you from getting stuck in the dreaded friend zone.
Be knowledgeable about current affairs. Learn about the world through newspapers and travel. Women like men who are aware of their world and ambitious.
Don't talk sports with women unless they're genuinely interested. Many women will feign interest in sports as a way to make conversation, but be skeptical, and try to talk about subjects that truly interest her.
Don't expect sex on the first, second, third, or any date. If all you want to do is get laid, then you're turning a beautiful caring woman into a kind of sex toy. This is perfectly all right if this is all you want, and if you find a woman who feels similarly about you. But isn't life much more than mutual masturbation? You want to find a woman who loves you, who cares for you. Fall in love, and sex will happen. You want to make a woman feel loved and safe and protected and when this happens, you'll find you're having plenty of sex without having to beg or bamboozle. Make moves, but understand that your woman is the ultimate decision maker about where your penis gets to push.
Learn to dance. Women love this. Dancing is a metaphor for sex, allowing people to express the private weirdness of the sex act in public in a tension-relieving way. We get to experience each other's bodies moving and imagine how they'll move during sex. For a woman, it's a sign of legitimacy and maturity and gets her to show off her body publicly. Close dancing is even more romantic. Take ballroom dancing lessons.
Be graceful. Be self-aware of your own body as it moves through time and space. You're moving in synch with a barely audible distant song. When walking on a street, you're in step with the rhythm of traffic and the beat and pace of society. Someone looking at you won't think you're out of place or clumsy, but rather you're with it, in tune, part of the song of life. No jerky movements. No stumbling, fumbling. You glide along like you're a dancer in your own private ballet.
Have good manners. Don't swear. Open car doors for her. Learn basic chivalry. Don't chew with your mouth open so that she can see your semi-digested food tumbling in the washing machine of your mouth. Be polite. Avoiding grabbing private parts of your body and scratching.
Don't look at other women when out on a date with her. If you get caught sneaking a peek, shrug your shoulders, and say "Hey, I'm a guy -- I look at women, even ones not as beautiful as you."
Remember dates and anniversaries and birthdays. Remember the day you first went out with her and each month, celebrate this day by remembering it. These signs tell her that you're into her, that she matters; it's music to her ears.
Get feedback from your friends. How do you come off? Is your voice deep and sure or squeaky and uncertain? Have them critique your clothing style, mannerisms, style.
Remember to speak well of your mother. Women study how men treat their mothers, according to Patricia O'Donnell Halliday.
Judi James suggests this maneuver: take a peek at a woman's mouth after looking into their eyes, since it suggests kissing.[7] Also, lowering the vocal tone is like "subliminal advertising" she says. Sit up straight, stand tall, erect thumbs are a "male sign of enjoyment".
An advertising agency pitching for a new client leaves a followup book. During your first date, ask someone to take a picture of the two of you together; afterwards, send her the picture. If she posts it on her computer, every time she looks at it she'll ponder the possibility of having a permanent relationship with you.
It's wonderful if you can engineer a way to have your date see you shine in public, perhaps by your making a speech or performing. If you're a sculptor, invite her to your big show.

Your reputation and standing is perhaps your most vital asset when dating. In this context, it's only measured by her respect for you. It's like a huge tank of water. If you do anything to empty it out, make any incorrect statements or wrong gestures, or if any punctures develop from the dreaded give-and-take of conversation during a date, all the water will quickly run out and you'll never get it back in there again. Don't reveal your brother is mentally retarded; don't mention your two year stint with alcohol. Remember, the good thing is: you can have a new tank of water with every new woman.

Gift-giving strategies

Women love signs that she matters in your world, and surprise gifts are an excellent way to do this with something solid wrapped in a cute package with a bow. Gifts reinforce three basic selling points for you: that

Be a stealthy gift-stasher. Then
you're ready for formal occasions.
Or spring them on her as a surprise.
You don't need to spend loads of
money if you plan.

you're (1) generous and (2) wealthy enough to support her and her potential offspring and (3) you care for her. There's a subtle sexual metaphor since unwrapping a gift is like taking off its clothes. Obviously you'll have more gift-giving choices if you're earning a comfortable salary but there are excellent opportunities to get things inexpensively by creative shopping, thinking, making things, and being alert. That is, you can substitute money (which is usually in short supply) with time (which you have more of). The worst case is when some situation comes up in which she expects a gift from you: it's her birthday, it's Christmas. You'll be judged by what you give or don't give her. Never ask her what she likes or wants. You'll have to guess or wing it. Then shopping is last-minute and difficult, and you're likely to overpay for something which she will smile and say she likes, but she's nonplussed.

The smart long term strategy is this: whenever you're with her, be alert to things she says and does, because from time to time, when you least expect it, she will offer clues about what she likes and how you might please her. She comments in a store, for example, that she likes the scent of a certain body lotion such as orange ginger. Or, she mentions that she always wanted to know how to make flowers out of origami paper. Silently remember these things! If necessary, jot down these details in your stealth guy notebook. Record brand names or details. Decide how much to spend. You can order products online to be delivered to you, not to her, so you can wrap it yourself with fluffy paper, a bow, and attach a card, and put it in a cute gift bag. It's a good idea to make a long term habit of stashing cute gift-giving boxes and bows and wrappers somewhere at a secret hard-to-find location at your place.

Secretly, by yourself, prepare your gift. You can save it for formal occasions when you're expected to give a gift, such as her birthday. You're prepared like a Boy Scout. Or, you can spring it on her at an unexpected time after, of course, building excitement by giving her clues that a surprise is lurking somewhere. Spring it on her when it's least expected -- during dinner, perhaps, or right after seeing a movie. What is it? You don't have to get the large size or spend a fortune, since it's the thought that counts. It's paper Origami flowers (with directions perhaps). By giving her the gift yourself, in person, she'll associate you with the gift. One last hidden benefit of a small gift: it hints to her that the day may come when that little box contains a bejeweled marriage proposal. It whets her appetite.

An off-the-wall strategy idea comes from my screenplay Fifteenth Reunion. I don't know if this strategy has ever been tried before, but here goes. Buy a beautiful dress, and hang it in your closet, unworn, wrapped, and keep the receipt. During your date, mention you own a dress, and when she asks why, tell her it is for the first woman who stays overnight at your apartment. It's hanging there, unworn, lonely. Describe the dress, it's color and shape, and take a long long look at her body (ask her to stand up and rotate like a model?) and say wow it would look great on you! You calmly explain your reasoning. Suppose she wants to spend the night with you, but it's awkward carrying an outfit for the next day. So, what will she wear in the morning? The same clothes from the day before? No way! Hey, you're being considerate, thoughtful, planning ahead for her wardrobe requirements. And the dress will be hers to own if she spends the night. So, you're enticing her with both shopping and sex. She might wonder: but will it fit me? You have the receipt to exchange for a better size if necessary. And remind her that the dress is for the first woman who spends the night -- hey you're only being fair -- and wouldn't that be tragic if some other woman stole your dress away? Women are naturally jealous -- work that jealousy angle.

Get good at sex

It is a skill you can learn, but requires patience and smarts and sensitivity. A man's body is built for fast orgasming but a woman's body takes longer.[9] Men are aroused like switching on a light bulb; women are aroused like warming up an oven. For much of human history, large percentages of women had sex without achieving orgasm and they didn't know what they were missing. People didn't talk about sex. Even today, there are sizable percentages of women who have sex without climaxing (although many still enjoy the experience.) All those Hollywood movies in which total strangers had great sex on their very first date are hugely misleading. It takes time to bring a woman to clitoral spassitude, and helps to know how a particular woman's body works. A few guidelines:

Consider what it's like to be a woman about to have sex with a man. Imagine you're in the forest with a smiling bear who is huge, hairy, horny. The bear weighs double what you weigh and has huge muscles and doesn't talk much. The bear wants to lie on top of you and repeatedly insert a part of its body into your body to squirt a gooey substance inside you. While this is happening, you can't get up easily; you're pinned on your back. It may hurt. And you may get pregnant from this encounter (growing a mini-BEAR inside you!) The bear WILL enjoy the wiggling; you may or may not. So, you wanna have sex with the bear? That's what it's like for a woman contemplating sleeping with a man. Can you begin to see why women are often reluctant to sleep with men? It can be scary, possibly harmful (if there is any ripping or tearing of skin). It's a wonder that women sleep with us guys. That's why you should follow these guidelines to minimize the unpleasantness and scariness of her experience.
If you keep dating repeatedly but sex doesn't happen, consider there's a possibility that she's afraid (on some level) to have sex with men in general, or with you in particular. If you suspect this is the case, you can test this hypothesis by joking about a fictional celebrity you make up who's discovered by the paparazzi to be secretly afraid of sex -- and see how she reacts to your made-up story. If you think this is the case, then, at a restaurant perhaps, you can encourage her to play act, perhaps using salt and pepper shakers as if they're a man and a woman having sex on the tabletop. It's a safe way for her to explore something borderline scary. It teaches her that she has serious control during sex -- that she can make a request and you'll honor it -- such as get up you're hurting my pepper nozzle! Keep your voices low and clean up the spilt salt and pepper! And have fun!
Get a condom. Learn how to put it on quickly, properly. Bring one for every date. This shows her you're being responsible.
As best you can, prepare the atmosphere. Lock the door. Put a sign for the roommate or housemate saying the room is in use if necessary. Light a candle or two. Dim the lights. Play soft music. Why not both take a shower beforehand so you're both clean? Wash each other in the shower. Don't have sex under the sheets but on top of them. If it's chilly, turn on a heater.
Your overall strategy should be to make your woman have her orgasm first. If you climax first, you'll be too tired to do anything more, and she'll be left unfulfilled although many women enjoy sex for the closeness (supposedly). If you can keep going after you climax and bring her to a climax afterwards, then you can do it that way, but I don't advise this unless you're sure you have staying power and have robot-like control. Female orgasms are more difficult and take more time and may not happen, and if it doesn't happen, try to figure out why but don't get too frustrated. Focus on pleasing her first. Pleasing her is a modern day reality. Remember she has choices.
The Eternal Spring Kiss by Auguste Rodin. This is art; in real life,
such a kissing position would be extremely uncomfortable; aren't
they about to fall backwards? Ouch.
Take it slow. Do lots of kissing, stroking, hugging and foreplay. Use tongues. Try different positions. One way to kiss a woman standing up is to lean her against a wall, grab her butt with both hands and squeeze her up and in to your body -- give her a long kiss. Kissing helps women become aroused. It's uptown shopping for a downtown dessert. Do not rip off her clothes like in some movies; they may be expensive so handle them carefully.
In bed, ask quietly what she likes. Ask her from time to time if she's okay. Get feedback. Don't assume she'll like any particular moves, so why not ask ahead of time what you might try before exploring her chocolate highway? (Avoid at first.) Take your time. You're learning about her body, how it works, what she likes, how it responds. You hope to keep learning about it for your whole life. Give her the sense that she won't be trapped beneath an unfeeling hulk of an insensitive bear, but you'll listen to her and do what she says. You're in this together.
Make your erect penis visible and felt early on. Many women, upon seeing an erect penis, feel that sex has gotten to a point where it is inevitable. Before that, she could say no or break off sex somehow because it really hadn't started yet; but upon seeing and feeling your erection, you have both crossed some kind of mental point-of-no-return threshold. Pointing an erect penis at a woman is like a policeman pointing a gun at a criminal.
Continue with foreplay. Stroke her thighs. Kiss her breasts. Don't talk too much. Whisper things which sound naughty. Women love low deep sounds from your voice, not high squeaky noises like a kid with awkward looking glasses lost in a parking lot. You want to sound: sure, solid, sincere, manly.
If she's initially nervous or apprehensive, encourage her to enjoy the top position straddling you. This lets her control the pace.
There are a few naturally sexually sensitive areas of a woman -- clitoris, nipples, [10] lips, inner thighs. And there are other areas which can become sensitive over time -- elbows, ankles, and so forth. Condition her to associate naturally sensitive areas like her clitoris with less sensitive areas such as her ankles. How? By touching both simultaneously or one after the other. She associates clitoral joy with ankle kisses. What this means is that, over time, there will be more and more areas of her body which become sensitive. She'll learn to associate her ankles being kissed with clitoral pleasantries. There will be more areas of her body which you can arouse. You're Pavlov-ing her ankles into twin clitorises. Make her other body parts into clitoral-functioning units. It's the principle of association (from philosophy; check out my article Philosophy of Spinoza: An introduction).
Resist the temptation to insert your penis. She is not ready. Gently (very very gently) touch her clitoris, light taps and strokes. You want the clitoris to engorge with blood; heavy-handed rubbing will prevent this. Alternate touching with doing nothing (the suspense can be exciting!) Understand that for many or most women, straight vaginal intercourse will rarely bring them to climax, particularly during your first few encounters, so you must experiment. What works? Try different things. Gently kiss her labia. Tap her clitoris. Blow little puffs on her thighs. Alternate.
A key to being successful sexually is to get a feedback loop going where she can alert you what's exciting her and what isn't. Ask her to moan when she likes something and to remain silent when it's boring. Is she moaning? Keep doing it. Is she silent? Try something else. Be her Leonardo da Vinci. Help her be the Mona Lisa.

Sometimes women fake climaxes when they're bored as a way to get it over with. She's not coming but she wants to help you feel you're a good lover. You can tell when a woman is really climaxing by inserting your finger within her vagina and feeling contractions which should be .8 seconds apart. It's slightly faster than a second on a clock. You have a finite amount of time to bring her to climax; sometimes it will succeed, sometimes it won't. If she's faking it, understand she's trying to please you so don't be upset; rather, try to get her to understand that you will need genuine feedback to become a better lover for her.
An alternate arrangement is to insert your penis while gently rubbing her clitoris with your finger. There are infinitely many possibilities. Use your imagination.
A further arrangement is to insert your penis and begin thrusting at this point but if you feel yourself about to reach a climax, withdraw or slow down until the feeling subsides, and then continue on. The idea is to bring your woman to climax first.
Your woman climaxes. Great. Good sex cements your relationship. Orgasm releases chemicals such as oxytocin which help create feelings of safety and love between you both.
Insert your penis and push to your heart's content. Enjoy yourself. Be gentle at first (sometimes the positioning can hurt women so be careful). No more advice is needed at this stage, presumably.
After you've both had climaxes, women love the closeness and the hugging. Most men, at this point, are ready for sleep, but try to hug her.

Remember, if at any point she says no or stop and means it, you must stop, otherwise it's date rape. Respect this.

Keep in mind that the time after your first sexual encounter is problematic. Consider her position. She's given up the goods. She has bet bigtime that your love for her is real. She took a big risk. She's vulnerable. She may be second-guessing her decision to sleep with you or trying to rationalize to herself that it was a good choice. But in the postcoital hours when the concentric waves from your rhythmic coupling are rippling away into darkness, she will be scrutinizing your every gesture to see whether she chose right. She will ask herself: does he really love me? will he stay true to me? or was the previous wooing merely tricks to get laid? Everything you say -- every gesture and deed -- should reinforce in her mind that yes of course you love her and you're grateful for the intimacy (but don't say thank you) and you cherish her even more. Keep wooing her after sex with the same intensity as before sex. Fix her breakfast in the morning. Buy her flowers. A stray comment or gesture might be misinterpreted. You're the guest star in her private TV talk show and all cameras are rolling.

To illustrate, in the film Notting Hill by Richard Curtis, after the two lead characters had sex for the first time, Anna (Julia Roberts) and William (Hugh Grant) wake in bed to the sunrise. Anna tests William's love by posing a roundabout question:
(Anna:) "Rita Hayworth used to say -- 'they go to bed with Gilda' (Hayworth's most famous role) -- 'they wake up with me' ... men went to bed with the dream -- and they didn't like it when they woke up with the reality -- do you feel that way with me?"
(William:) "You're lovelier this morning than you have ever been."
William says the right thing. You will be under similar inspection during these sensitive hours and days after your first sex. Be alert. Be sensitive. Do not whip out your Swiss army knife and whittle one more notch on your bedpost. Do not open the window and yell out "Hey fellas I did her -- she spread like you said -- you owe me twenty bucks -- now who's next on the list?" Even a slight comment or gesture suggesting you were only motivated by sex will weigh heavily in her mind when she evaluates you. Do not call her by another woman's name. It will ring true instantly. She'll feel swindled, cheated, tricked, and in a nanosecond, her love for you can shift into a tidal wave of regret and the entrance to her love zone will slam shut like the steel doors of a bank vault.

If you're lucky enough to get in a relationship with a woman, realize that everything you do, even days before you may have sex again with her, is like foreplay. Most women can't just have sex with a snap of the fingers. It's a gradual process, building up for days. Buy her flowers. Compliment her. Hug her. One sarcastic comment or mean gesture or barbed observation can mean she's reluctant to sleep with you even a week later. Your goal should be to be understanding and provide a safe, comfortable atmosphere of warmth and affection and love.

And, if you're lucky enough to have sex with a beautiful woman, don't tell any other guys or your friends or anybody. You are the guardian of her reputation. Protect it. Keep it safe. This is especially important within semi-closed communities such as high school and college and workplaces and selected senior citizens centers. If people ask, tell them you and she are just friends. It's none of their business. If you spread around the fact that you slept with a particular woman, her reputation suffers; she's seen as an easy woman or a slut; you're seen as indiscreet; and you both suffer. Other women will realize you're a jerk if you talk publicly about your sexual conquests, and they'll be rightfully scared about possibly being your future girlfriend lest they be treated similarly.

Money tactics

Dating costs money. If you are making a good income, then you're in a position to pay for every date and pick up the tab. Women will appreciate this. Understand that much of this money will be wasted, but it will have been a good investment, overall, if this policy helps you find your ideal mate.

If you're a man of limited means, like most men, then it takes more creativity. Learn ways to go out with women which they truly enjoy, but which don't cost an arm and a leg. Try these dates:

Couple in Indonesia. ccSa2.0
Nature walks.
Coffee at Starbucks.
Renting a video and making popcorn at your apartment.
Museums.
Art galleries.
Lunch rather than dinner. A weekend lunch can be perfect since it can be extended if going well (during the workweek there's often pressure to get back to work.)
Picnic in the park with sandwiches and wine.
Bowling is an excellent way to check out each other's bottoms.
Go to a high school sports game.
Poetry readings at a local bookstore.
Ice cream outing. Share a banana split?
Flea markets.
Frisbee in the park.
Summer daytrip to a beach.
Shopping to decorate an imaginary future house.
Rooftop steak cookout.
Go apple or pumpkin picking in October (if available), blueberry picking (mid July).
Bookstores. Get a coffee, relax, talk. If she's boring, read a magazine.

Generally the first date should not be an expensive extravaganza. If a woman expects you to take her out to expensive places and pay the full bill, you can decline politely by saying something like: "I'm saving money for my future wife to decorate our future house." She may think you're savvy and smart, and respect you for it, and perhaps the idea of becoming your future wife may cross her mind for a nanosecond; hmmm, which drapes will she buy?

If she thinks you're cheap and disrespects you for it, dump her. Your funds are too important to get spent on women who want to use you for a good time or use you as a way to meet other men. You can not fool a woman temporarily by spending lavishly on her when you can't afford it; women are especially good at ferreting out such tactics. They have X-Ray eyes and can see into your wallet and know your financial history with a fair degree of accuracy. If a woman only likes you for what you'll spend on her, she's not worth it, because when your money runs out, she'll dump you.

Enjoy the beauty of nature together. A parent and child in New Zealand
after sunshine broke through a heavy downpour.

Develop a dating budget and stick to it. Avoid dates where you go from one expensive activity to another, such as an expensive show, dinner, taxi, drinks.

Remember that alternative arrangements are possible. There are women out there who earn substantial incomes but who have trouble attracting mates. Would you like to become a mister mom or house husband? You can switch gears, use the advice for women below, and date women who are good bets financially. This is new territory. Nobody is quite certain what the rules are for such arrangements. You can have a family that way if you choose. This is one of the great things about womens' liberation -- that different types of family arrangements are possible.

Dating guidelines

When first going out with a stranger, it helps if the encounters are public, easy to get to, and that you're familiar with them. It's your responsibility to plan the date, to think through details and be ready for contingencies. You don't want to both show up at a restaurant that's closed for repairs or beset with long lines. Choose a restaurant you know; pick an entree you'll like and will look good eating -- avoid chicken or messy or

A boat trip is an excellent date for couples that know each other well.
Couple dating in Florida. Photo: public domain.

hard-to-eat foods or spicy foods. Don't overeat. Don't overdo the alcohol. Avoid trips where you're dependent on transportation from the other person, or they're dependent on you, such as a car trip with only one car. If the date goes badly, then there's the awkward drive home or else the possibility of having to walk home. The first date should be a casual simple setting that doesn't involve lots of money or learning new things. Don't go rollerblading on the first date if you don't know how to rollerblade. Play miniature golf or visit a garden or some other activity which isn't too strenuous or taxing. Don't ask her for a date too close to the weekend -- that is, don't call her on Friday for a Saturday night date; she'll assume you had other plans, got stood up, and she's your second-choice relief stand-in date. Generally, make weekend date plans early in the week, such as Monday or Tuesday.

Realize your date may not show up. Have something ready to do if this happens, such as a book to read. Plan it so that if she doesn't show up, you'll not be out of a lot of money; for example, don't buy expensive theater tickets which will be forfeited if she doesn't show. After about half an hour if your date hasn't shown up, go on to something else. Don't let it bother you. And don't spend much time pursuing women who can't meet commitments. But please follow through with your dates -- if you make a commitment, show up, or if you can't make it, call to cancel.

Young couple in love in England.
Photo: Garry Knight ccSa2.0.

An overall formula to keep in mind is this: does a particular date advance your overall agenda of making her your woman? You don't want to take her places where there are lots of other single men. You don't want to do things which make you look foolish or stupid or awkward. If you're not athletic, don't take her to a rodeo; if you're not funny, don't take her to comedy clubs.

Realize that dating takes both people out of their comfort zones into a new mishmash world of unexpected variables. There will be embarrassing moments. There will be gaffes. When they happen, shrug your shoulders and laugh at them, and convert awkward moments into fun.

A general dating guideline which seems to be emerging, although it's not a hard-and-fast rule, is this: it's up to a man to initiate contact within one week after the first date. IF you wish to date her again, call her within seven days, preferably by phone within two days. This tells her you continue to be interested in her. If you don't, she'll assume it's off.

Suppose you've fallen for a woman, been out with her for a few times, enjoyed the dates, but you're not clear whether she's in to you or not. You haven't slept together. This is when it gets difficult. Should you continue dating her? Or will your future efforts be a waste of time? It makes sense to pull back a bit at this point and rethink strategy. Is she holding out to convince you she'll be a faithful wife? Or is she not into you but likes your companionship? When we're in love, we can become blind to the reality of our situation, but sometimes a close friend will see perfectly clearly what's happening.

Never get so deeply immersed in a one-way obsessive love with someone who doesn't love you. Obsession is slow romantic suicide. You're cutting yourself off from others. You're harming yourself. Don't do this. If you find yourself having to make extended sacrifices to even have an opportunity of possibly having a relationship with a hard-to-get woman, stop, think, and move on. Endless pursuit of an unobtainable woman is breaking a cardinal rule -- love yourself most of all.

The disappearing strategy

If you've been dating a woman for a while and really like her, and sex is fine and dandy even, then it's time to get inside her head and take the relationship to the next level. When you're together, sitting at a restaurant perhaps, tune in to her wavelength. Look into her eyes. Let her do the talking. Study her. See her fresh as if from the beginning and with no preconceptions. Try to disappear as if you're not there, but just a presence. You're an idea trying to get inside her mind. Watch where her eyes watch; her eyes will indicate what she likes; are her eyes looking at food, at a painting, at another man, at the door, at you? Feel her cross and uncross her legs with your eyes but without looking directly at them. Get inside her mind. What's she thinking about? Analyze the topics. Let her steer the conversation; where is it going and what does that reveal about her interests and intentions? Of course you'll have to say a few words now and then (otherwise you'd be totally creepy!) so say things like "why?" and "and then what?" and "so..." and "meaning..." Where does her conversation lead and flow? You're trying to get a good deep read on what she's about. Will she be a faithful woman? Does she want to have children with you? Will she be a good mother? Does she respect you? This is a tough assignment intellectually but you must do it; if you make a mistake and marry the wrong woman, a slew of winged creatures from hell will zip downwards from rainclouds and pierce your skull again and again and tattoo the word dumbass on your brain. Avoid a bad marital choice at all costs! So listen hard for all kinds of clues about her and try to understand how she thinks, how she sees you. Your respect antenna should be on all the time. You can use the triangulating strategy (see the later section) by getting third party opinions about her from impartial sources. This helps you construct a multi-dimensional picture of her life and understand what connects to what. It should be fairly consistent. There shouldn't be any weird gaps in her personal resume or unexplained judgments. This is important. It's your life. Making a smart decision on a wife is vitally important. If a woman doesn't respect you, trying to change this probably won't work, but at the very least, dumping her may make you feel better for a short instant.

A way to evaluate a woman as your possible lifelong mate is when things aren't going well, when problems appear, when situations get sticky or tough. Will she stick with you? Will she be loyal? You're looking for a year-round fighter not merely a summer soldier (as General Washington referred to troops who deserted during the winter.) You want someone who sticks with you through the tough times. You get to see the real woman when your rowboat in the middle of the lake is rocked by sudden storm clouds, wind-tunnel-like winds and flip-you-over waves. Will she keep steady? You want a loyal woman who handles adversity with coolness and smarts.

Test her smarts

Feign senior moments by saying things like "I was in Venice on business on one of those boats, the ..." (pause) and see if she says gondola. When she does, you say no, it was a catamaran but was towing a gondola -- to keep her off balance and finagle a giggle. But feel out her common sense smarts, her wits, subtly by seeing if she gets your references and jokes and double-entendres. Don't subject her to obvious stupid quizzes like "Which is heavier -- a pound of nails or a pound of feathers?" But avoid stupid women who don't know what gondolas are.

Changing gears

Suppose you're on a first date, but it's not going well. She doesn't show signs of interest in future dates. You sense she doesn't respect you, turns away, looks askance. Suppose, further, that you're not that into her either, but you would like to have sex with her. Sex is good. There's nothing wrong with trying. If this situation

Women love flowers but is this guy overdoing
it? Flowers wilt after a few days. How about
giving her a small plant which flowers from
time to time? Photo: Adrian Sampson ccsa2.0.

happens, consider that new opportunities can open here; the rules are relaxed. Here's your golden opportunity to experiment and learn about the wonderful world of women. What you've been doing hasn't worked; why not try something totally new? You can try teasing her, criticizing her in a playful way. Tell her: Why are you acting so vaginal? She says What do you mean? You say There you go again -- saying things like "What do you mean" is the height of vaginality. Pretend to be baffled. You can play act and pretend to be her, looking at you, making fun of her attitude. Play with her head. Pretend to be a lawyer critiquing her attitude: Your honor, I summon Beth's attitude to the stand. You're stirring things up. You're free to ask her directly if she wants to have sex in a public bathroom of her choice. You've got nothing to lose at this point: why not have fun? But do it nicely with warmth and frivolity. Tease her: if I make you smile even a teensy bit, that means you're desirous of sleeping with me tonight. (Yes use the word desirous! that word has magic powers, no kidding) And yank every joke out of your guy jokebook. You're raising her tension level -- she's going to have to work to suppress a smile or smirk which means, of course, she's more likely to giggle. Hey, it's worth a shot!

Suppose your first or second date is not going well, but you genuinely like her. Then, another option is this: break it off mid-date by speaking truthfully, akin to laying down your poker cards before it is over. Tell her: "Hey, I like you but I think you don't like me. Am I right? Respect me for figuring this out and being sensitive and forthright. I think I'm a great guy and I'd love to be your man and I believe in myself. So let's end our date here and now since it's obvious you're nonplussed." She had been bored but you've surprised her, briefly; she may find your honesty refreshing. And you've gone from being a nuisance in her life to a person who understands her on some level. And you can keep alive your chances with a subtle pitch along these lines: tell her the game is long and the players are few; tell her that it may happen that in a few years her perspective may shift -- tell her you'll probably always be into her -- tell her that you would like to be friends since you and she can help each other find possible partners; tell her that you will be a relief date if she's lonely and just wants to talk but that you won't come on to her; tell her there's no harm in staying in touch since people should know people. Be friends with her. Call her on a Saturday night: what are you doing? Get to know her. You can try this strategy. And perhaps you may become friends with her; maybe she'll have a bad experience in the future and, on the rebound, find you appealing and sleep with you. Or maybe she'll introduce you someday to your future wife. It's worth a try but don't count on it. Do not invest too much of your time and money pursuing her. Remember, you must keep dating other women.

Suppose you've been rejected on your first date. She's open about it. She doesn't like you. She tells you to your face. But you like her. Surprisingly, all is not lost, for this openness and rejection gives you a wonderful opportunity to reveal your true kingly character. If you get defensive or act meanly or angrily, it will confirm her guess about you that you're not worth it. So, be magnanimous, be gracious, accept her criticism. Apologize to her for any shortcomings or bad choices or wrong comments you may have made. Act like a salesman who keeps smiling and trying to woo a clearly unhappy customer. Don't argue with specifics. You won't win on logic. Agree with her assessment of you and tell her she's entitled to the best, and if she's the slightest bit unhappy, you're unhappy that she's unhappy, and what can you do to make it right? Agree with her that yes maybe having the first date at the car-wash wasn't so smart. Tell her your highest aim is to please and make her happy. Continue to compliment her, charm her, woo her. The cognitive dissonance you generate in her mind -- with her being mean to you and you being nice to her -- may have the effect of causing her to rethink her anger, and convert her dislike into sweet love. At the very least, it will reveal to her that you're a true gentleman. You may still not win her, but she may talk nicely to other women about you. Or you may have sex with her that very night!

Strategies for women

The overall strategy is to position yourself as a responsible, mentally healthy and autonomous adult who will be a faithful wife. Attract a man by being beautiful but clinch him by being smart.

And smart means not necessarily impressing him with your intellectual acumen or your ability to solve differential equations in your head, but doing lots of gestures both big and small which tell him that he's valued and prized and respected and that you're on his side. The gestures say: you'll be his loyal faithful partner. You advertise your future faithfulness by repeatedly sending him signals-of-respect. You remember his birthday. You side with him in a friendly debate about why fishing is the most fun sport of all. You wear his shirt in the morning after sex. You defend him when relatives belittle his automobile. You hold his tie in your hand, lovingly (a tie is a fabric metaphor for a penis.)

My hunch is most women don't understand the importance of signals-of-respect. There are numerous reports of well-educated career women floundering in the dating market.[11][12][13] Women may misread my suggestion as somehow kow-towing to weak male egos or reconfirming a defunct male-dominant female-submissive marriage arrangement. None of this is the case. Rather, sending signals-of-respect is your subtle but important way of telling your future husband that you won't become a guy's worst marriage nightmare -- a woman who sleeps around. With womens' liberation and freedom and opportunities and financial clout, there are infinitely many more opportunities to be unfaithful that didn't exist a few hundred years ago, and men know this. So it is supremely important that you get this right. Understanding this will give you a huge advantage in the competitive world of dating.

Attract a man by being beautiful;
but clinch him by being smart.

A related concept is that your independence can be an impediment to your dating success in the following sense. The problem isn't being independent which is a good thing overall. The difficulty is your being independent can lead to an incorrect perception by a marriageable man that you don't need him. And men love to be needed. It's not that men are intimidated by a successful, powerful, independent woman; rather, a man may look at such a woman and wonder what could I possibly ever offer her? She has great friends, an apartment, a terrific job and great lifestyle -- how could I possibly add anything to her life? And they'll drop themselves out of the picture based on their own internal perception of being useless. Men appreciate smart women but they want to feel needed, respected, valued. A man confided to me once when I asked him why he didn't pursue a particular woman. He said, what could I possibly offer her?

Remember that men, generally, as a sex, are not held in as much esteem by society and by women as they were a hundred years ago. There's been a real falling off in collective prestige. Consider your personal attitudes towards men. Do you respect them? Think about this. Exactly what are your attitudes?

Realize your brain has been inundated with hundreds of thousands of images of all kinds of men, including weak irresolute men as well as gorgeous movie star hunks who always say and do the right thing. You've been fed these images extensively from screens of all shapes and sizes. You've got impressions from sitcoms, from cartoons, from advertising, from comedy routines, from childhood fairy tales, from movies, from the news media, from a popular culture whose primary concern is not planting ideas in your head which will help you select a mate wisely, but a popular culture which has its own needs to entertain and enchant and sell. What images are there in your mind about men? By your late teens, perhaps you imagine you'll marry a Prince Charming buff hairless-chest male model with bulging muscles who falls instantly in love with you, buys you gifts, takes you horseback riding outside his mansion while his parents fix you tea later in the afternoon. And he always says the right thing.

These images in your mind can screw you up by raising your expectations sky high. In the real world, as you know intuitively, real men are not perfect, make mistakes, make sometimes horrendous gaffes. Realize your pop-culture-inspired expectations may turn your nose up as high as your false expectations.

Be beautiful

If you're reasonably good looking, then good grooming, clothes, and attitude can amplify your natural good

Smiling amplifies beauty instantly. Indian actress
Genelia D'Souza in 2008. Photo: Suraj Naidu ccsa2.0

looks. Smile. You'll be surprised how important this can be. Not smiling, or walking around with a frown or even a bored expression is a huge turnoff and can diminish your appeal dramatically. A sleepy countenance during the day is a turnoff too. While changing your physical attributes by plastic surgery is not recommended since it often backfires, [25] you can enhance what you've got considerably with a positive attitude. You do not have to spend lavish amounts of money on clothes -- there is a decreasing rate of return on clothing expenditures -- but aim to be reasonably dressed on many occasions. It's much better to spend on an assortment of fairly attractive clothes rather than one super expensive dress. Feel comfortable in your clothes; know how they fit and how to wear them and dine in them without getting them wrinkled, that is, you and your clothes should be a working functioning system. You don't want to wear a freshly bought dress on a date. Makeup is good but don't overdo it; a woman with too much makeup can appear gaudy and desperate. Eye shadow can direct men to look into your eyes. Get into the habit of dressing to be reasonably beautiful so that in most situations when you're out in public, you're advertising yourself all the time, naturally, as if you're not exerting any effort at all. You never know when that one guy will see you. Get your friends to give you good feedback on your clothing and appearance. A general rule with almost all accessories is that they shouldn't attract attention to themselves, but to you -- an ideal accessory enhances your overall look. You don't want him focusing on a weird looking earring or necklace.

Good grooming is essential. Be clean, comfortable, healthy-looking, sexy.
Tattoos? Human skin is more beautiful than any possible art needled permanently inside it. You don't like graffiti on buildings -- so don't graffiti your body. Facial piercings? Assume men want to love a woman, not someone who attracts stray bolts of electricity or whose face looks like it was the catching area of a ring-toss at the carnival.
Take the Fair Face of Woman... painting by Sophie Anderson.
Fight acne. Acne bacteria and young teenagers may have a symbiotic relationship in the sense that skin prone to pimpling in young teenagers was beneficial, since it caused teenagers to avoid having to mate before they were ready, and gave them time to acclimate slowly to being full-functioning adults. But acne is a visible sign of ill health, a huge turnoff to mating, and becomes a strong negative when people are older teenagers and in their twenties and thirties. See a dermatologist and get treated. Wash your face regularly. Think of acne bacteria like tiny pirates invading tiny harbors in your skin; it's difficult for your antibodies to fight them since they're not in the body but attached loosely in pores. Your pores are like harbors, attracting criminals in houseboats, and your natural bodily defenses are like land-based policemen. Don't squeeze pimples (it exacerbates the problem for later by distorting the pore, creating more berths for "houseboats"). Acne causes itching, so when the acne bacteria are generating, your hand, by scratching, causes bacteria to move to other harbors and begin the infection cycle again. That's why some kind of dry cream on your whole face, at night, like a blanket preventing the spread of bacteria may be a good idea. Rubbing alcohol can kill migrating acne bacteria too, although it can also dry out skin. Avoid touching your face.
Figure out how to do facial makeup quickly, efficiently, without smearing. Get into a routine so you're looking competently beautiful, often, and it becomes second nature. You don't want makeup to run if it's a hot day.
Stay in shape. Exercise. Go to a gym if necessary. A little chubbiness can be pleasantly attractive, but obesity is a huge turnoff since it's an obvious physical problem as well as an impediment to sex or even walking. Men want healthy women. There is a common misconception among women that they feel obligated to be super-slim lithe waif supermodel types, semi-starved. This is not the case. Women slightly overweight are still highly attractive and desirable. Most guys will say that most women are over-concerned about their weight -- weight only becomes an issue when there's a clinical obesity problem
Dress fashionably, comfortably.
Photo: Glenn Francis ccsa3.0
www.PacificProDigital.com
affecting balance and health. If you're slightly overweight and think (incorrectly) that it makes you less attractive, then your weight isn't the problem, but your attitude is. Don't get your stomach stapled; rather, change your attitude.
Shop for new clothes and perhaps even a whole new look. Get enough clothes so you're nicely dressed seven days a week. Find an image you feel comfortable with which works for you and accentuates your positives. If you have a good bust, your clothing should bring out your bustiness. If your legs are your most positive feature, find dresses that focus a man's eyes downtown to encourage him to think about midtown. You can't be a totally different person from who you are, but you want to bring out your positives. Sweaters and cardigans can give a soft, comfortable look; but your whole look should be internally consistent and sensible. Skin is sexy. Show it off. Don't wear the same outfit on successive dates. Avoid sneakers.
Skirts and dresses are sexier than pants since it tempts the male mind that there's a direct path (somewhere) to your wonder-zone, so an unpredictable puff of wind or bend in your body posture whets his imagination. Skirts cause the male mind to contort in wild gymnastic gyrations about which positions might possibly enable sex; pants, in contrast, are like a tall wall around a closed compound.
Man or woman?
Click here: [14]
Emphasize your breasts even if they're not large. Breasts attract men for this simple reason: it's (almost) proof positive that you are, in fact, a woman. While most differences between male and female figures are a matter of degree with sometimes subtle differences between, say, male and female foreheads -- enabling a cleverly dressed man to resemble a woman -- the existence of breasts is a clear-cut signal of femininity. Women have them; men don't (although this is changing somewhat with some types of obese men, unfortunately, who have protrusions that resemble female breasts.) Further, the cleavage mimics a vagina. While
Hair is a visible sign of
health and fertility.
Photo: J. Fresco ccsa3.0
voluptuous looking breasts suggest a healthy place for young feeding babies, even normal sized or slightly small breasts can be quite appealing because of their associations with femininity. Show them. Don't get breast enlargements; they're not necessary and expose you to medical issues. Similarly, don't do breast reductions either unless there are compelling medical reasons.
High heels. Pluses include emphasizing your butt and making you more visible (particularly helpful for short women) but minuses include injury to feet and awkwardness when walking. The clop clop clop sound of wooden shoes on a floor can audibly attract attention. Avoid high heels, or wear them sporadically if you must. If you're tall already, high heels work against you, particularly when dating moderately tall men.
Earrings convey queenliness, regality, wealth, elegance, formality, class. It adds symmetry to your overall look. Use them but don't overdo it.
Necklace. Wear an unusual pendant to bring your man's eyes visually closer to your breasts.
Teeth. Consider having them whitened by a dental procedure, particularly if years of coffee and tea
Woman with dreadlocks.
Photo: Rashida Mar ccsa2.0
drinking have stained them brownish. The home kits generally don't work well. If not straight, consider orthodontia.
Hair. Consider the beauty parlor if there's time and money; if not, showering using conditioner is best.
Head turns. At a party, look around from time to time. My unofficial research is that prettier women are more likely to turn their heads, enabling more men to see their face. A natural tactic.
Pseudo-infantile motions. Examples: "head-cock" move, or gazing intensely with widened eyes and laughing often, touching; moving in ways that emphasize your body's natural roundness, such as shrugging your shoulders, sit hugging your knees, since they "mimic buttock imagery" according to Judi James. [7] Use any excuse to bare your feet and get them raised higher than normal.
Self-crippling or semi-crippling moves. A general female strategy throughout time has been to appear as if they are unable to walkor run fast as a subtle way to cue men into thinking they can't or won't run away fast if approached. Accordingly, female maneuvers such as dangling slippers, showing bare feet, wearing high heels or tight dresses, adopting a surrender posture (see photo) and other such moves have had subtle appeals. A woman, barefoot, can be extremely sexy since it not only shows more of her leg, but suggests she's not running away (and naked skin suggests sex too). Sometimes these strategies go way too far, such as the ancient Chinese practice of binding the feet of girls to purposely deform them to be small (and supposedly attractive). Some of these maneuvers work against the general empowerment of women, and should be used sparingly. Use judgment.
Similar to a surrender pose.
Perfume in mild amounts can be alluring. It wears off during a date. Too much can be a turnoff, especially if the man has allergies, or you're together in an enclosed space like a taxicab in winter.
Glasses can make you look smarter but distract from the beauty of your face. Get a stylish pair or wear contact lenses.
If you're a smoker, try to quit; if you can't, downplay your habit as long as possible. Dating other smokers may be easier.
The general clothing strategy? Think Aristotle. If he was your clothing designer, he'd say: show some leg, hide some leg, choose the mean between the extremes of being totally wrapped in rags and being totally naked. It's teasing with fabric.

Beauty mindedness

Most women understand techniques to amplify beauty, such as make-up and clothes, but few women know the inner secret of becoming more beautiful in the sense of mindedness. So I will reveal this secret. It comes from heavy duty philosophy and semi-heavy psychology but I figured it out while fixing a porch. The effect is to amplify your natural beauty (it won't make you a supermodel overnight).

Do this exercise: choose an object you find beautiful, such as a tree or car or rock formation. Study it closely. Examine its shape. Mentally trace its curves and angles. Imagine you're a sculptor preparing to carve a duplicate. Concentrate. Close your eyes and picture it. Can you paint it without looking? Realize you are defining this object as beautiful.

Pick something. Study it. Then, imagine that it finds
YOU beautiful. This is the principle of beauty
mindedness. Don't overdo it. Enough already.
Ladies, the bus is waiting. You've made your point.
Photo courtesy: Pierce Stanton

Next, imagine that the admired object admires YOU as beautiful. Imagine it has a consciousness and appreciates your beautifully sculpted shape and, if it could, it would have a huge boner pointing right at you. Let the thought -- that a particular object thinks you're beautiful -- resonate in your head. This escalates your beauty mindedness. Your beauty signals are boomeranging back on you!

Next, apply your concentrated beauty focus not to a thing but to that man sitting across from you looking down at his restaurant menu. Study his curves, his shape, his body in its fullness and grace with your keen sculptor's eye. He'll feel your concentrated gaze. You'll light him up psychically. He'll feel like something is going on, but he may not be able to say that you are the sun shining on his water, warming his ocean, bringing a slight breeze to the sails in his loins. And he can't help but reciprocate and enjoy you as beautiful in his amazing mind.

Think about how the Disney cartoon character Snow White -- she was fully conscious of the squirrels and rabbits and deer; she adored them; they adored her; and the result was a beauty-spiral feedback loop, graphically illustrating beauty-mindedness.

In case you were wondering, this is why artists such as sculptors and painters and musicians often have more romantic success than, say, accountants, since their profession encourages them to apply these exercises daily.

Meeting men

Sunglasses add mystery but men can't see
where you're looking; so they may be less likely
to check you out. Photo: photo@co ccsa2.0

Meet men everywhere. Parties. Weddings. Friends. Classes. Business. At work. Sports events. Department stores. Church groups. On the beach! Laundromats. What about while standing in line at the department of motor vehicles? Be one of the organizers of alumni events for your high school or college class -- you'll get to keep up with your classmates and get increased exposure that way.

Remember that you're much more approachable if you're (1) by yourself or (2) with a small group of women. If you're out with only a girlfriend, it's more difficult for a single man to approach you both -- unless, of course, he's with his friend as well. There are many single career-oriented men at the late-night grocery in big cities. Why not accidentally bump into his cart or switch carts?

Attract attention. A dog at dusk is one way to meet fellow dog walkers. Carry unique, attention-getting props, like large unwieldy models of toy dinosaurs, or sketchbooks, or other things which pique curiosity and help a man wonder just what is that thing? Can I lend a hand? Sometimes mimicking the lost doggie look -- like an unadopted pet in a petstore saying will anybody adopt me -- can work; another signal is to briefly lock eyes, and then you look down at the ground as if you're shy.

Throw parties. Go to parties. Mingle. Circulate. If you're the guest at a party, think of yourself as if you're the host, suggests Fran Greene. Don't get pigeon-holed talking with an interesting but married man. You can deftly move about by saying "Let's follow up our conversation this later but I promised the host to circulate." Signal to men you like clearly that you'd like to see them again. Have a business card ready to give out. Use the three-hand shake: you outstretch your right hand (as if to normally shake hands) he outstretches his right hand, then you (surprise!) touch the back of his right hand with your left hand -- this deft maneuver surprises him with an unexpected pleasing touch which suggests to him (on a metaphorical level) that your whole body (both hands) is wrapped around his one body part (like a vagina enclosing a penis). He'll love it!

Weddings throw two extended families together in new combinations, with much partying and drinking and fun. So they're a great place to meet men, although there's a risk you'll let down your guard. You've seen another woman get married and there's this jealousy subtext factor going on which can cause you to let down your guard and sleep with a Best Man or two. Be careful!

In public, be approachable. If you're with other women, it becomes tougher for a guy to approach you. If you're with a group, detach yourself from time to time and linger, and rejoin the group later.

Dating advice

Keep your dates brief but intense, particularly at the early stages. Give the man your full attention.
Have fun!
Don't be too upset or sad if it doesn't work out. Rather, try to learn from every dating experience.
Enjoy meeting creative new people and learning what they do and how they think.
Trust your first impressions. What you feel in those first few minutes after meeting somebody is probably correct; if someone still feels somewhat interesting to you, keep learning. Is he sending mixed signals like he's smiling but his arms are crossed? Read his body language.
Do not turning dating into a kind of job-interview-for-a-husband. Don't answer questions as if you're interviewing for the job of wife. Sheesh. If this starts to happen, change the subject and talk about something thoroughly frivolous.

Don't have a checklist of your ideal man's characteristics. The truth is you don't know exactly who

In a woman's mind there are countless images of
men from movies. But they are just images. You
will date real men. Even Chris O'Donnell, when
offscreen and unscripted, is a real man who may
disappoint you.
Photo: G. Francis www.PacificProDigital.com

he will be or what characteristics he might have. If you insist that your future husband must like poetry, have a sports car, and play a musical instrument, then you may miss out on a bearded radical type who programs computers and will fall deeply in love with your uncanny ideas about star constellations and is destined to bring you decades of wedded bliss. Your checklist? Chuck it.

Should you play "hard to get"? Advice books differ on this subject. Some suggest you shouldn't be too available for dates, especially at first, and recommend you be challenging. The book The Rules advised women to leave early on the date, appear busy, don't phone back right away, appear calm and unflappable and popular, since this demeanor would entice the man to want more.[15] Others think that playing hard to get doesn't work. My take: you shouldn't play hard to get but you should be hard to get by actively exploring men and giving potential candidates a sporting chance to win your heart. You're the tops. You deserve the best man.
Google your dates beforehand. What comes up? Too much googling can backfire -- if you reveal you know something about him which he didn't tell you, he may worry you're a stalker or guy-spy.
Talk with your girlfriends regularly about dating strategies. Get tips from them. Tell them your dating experiences and try to get their honest feedback about your performance. What are you doing right? Where could you use improvement?
Don't feign interest in sports if it bores you. Guys can usually see through this tactic.
Don't talk about sex.
Generally don't reveal much on the first dates if possible. This helps you appear mysterious. Try to get the man to do much of the talking. Don't talk about children or families or your father or especially past boyfriends. [16]
Don't date at a place where ex-boyfriends are likely to see you. You don't want Mr. Wrong with Tattoos and a raunchy cigar ambling over to mumble something about you leaving your underwear at his place -- "want them back?" -- while you're trying to woo Mr. Right. And he pulls a pair of underwear out of his back pocket, hurls them towards you and they stick on a wall (backtrack: they're not your underwear and he put glue on them for effect). Nightmare moment.
Don't criticize him, his mother or sisters or brothers or his job. Your mission is to learn as much as possible about him, and give him a few choice nuggets about yourself. Don't go on and on and on about boring stuff like your sister's pottery collection.
Triangulate. If the first few dates went well, and you're still interested in him, get information about him from third party sources, such as his friends or the Internet or his family. Does what he's told you measure up to what other people say? Are there any glaring contradictions or inconsistencies? You should try to build a 3-D map of him and his personality to get a good sense of what he's all about. An extreme variant of this is hiring a private detective to do a background search; surprisingly, some Indian parents hire detective agencies to check up on potential matches. [17]
Let him call you and leave messages on your machine. Don't answer directly; let the machine do this for you. Wait until after a few messages are on your machine before returning any of his calls.
Make eye contact on a date.
Make eye contact. Have open body posture. Painting: Manet 1879.
If his jokes are funny, laugh; if they're somewhat funny, smile; if they're not funny, steer the conversation in a new direction.
Use your hands creatively. Find an excuse to touch him, such as reaching over and plucking off an imaginary piece of lint off of his jacket. Touch your glass in a sensitive way. Avoid nervous hand gestures and finger tapping if possible.
Have good posture. Stand tall. Be open. Face your man with feet planted firmly on the floor and lean in a little bit. A slight tilt of the head signals interest (as if you're about to kiss). Mirroring his body movements can send a positive signal too.
Join clubs and societies which have both men and women. Consider clubs devoted to sports or drama. They have activities in which you can get to know men.
If you find a guy you like, and still like after a few dates, practice in little ways to worship him. Men love this. Celebrate his accomplishments with quiet understated compliments. Listen intently to what he talks about. Agree with his political views. Remember his coffee preference. Quote back to him things he's told you two dates ago, but with different words as if he's persuaded or enlightened you. Make him a quiet hero in your life. Imagine you're a quasi public relations agent selling him as a brand or personality, and tout his accomplishments in sincere ways.
Tell your friends and family that you'll pay them a size-able amount of money -- $2000 cash perhaps -- if they introduce you to a man that you eventually marry. Tell them you're sincere about this. It's one thing for friends and family to want to help you, but the prospect of cold hard cash is something that sharpens the mind. And, if your friends do introduce you to your special someone, follow through with your promise and pay them in twenty crisp one hundred dollar bills.
Say his name. Say it whenever you can. People love hearing their name.
If a date doesn't work out, it helps to get constructive feedback. Is there something you're doing wrong? Why was he not interested? This kind of information can be difficult to extract, since nobody wants to hurt anybody else's feelings, but if you can find it out, it will be enormously helpful for your dating regimen. So, when possible, try to keep lines of communication open with men you've wanted, but who seem uninterested, and try to divine what the reason was. They may not know or be unwilling to tell you, but if they are open and honest, it can tell you how to avoid mistakes in the future. It might be something simple, perhaps an easy-to-fix issue, or possibly a communication snafu or misunderstanding. Tell him: you like him. You realize he doesn't like you. But can he give you any advice so that when you meet similar men like him, that you'll do better?
Pictures. Have a picture of you looking your radiant sexiest best, wallet-sized, to give him during your date. Say here's something for your wallet. Explanation: Men are attracted visually, and after the date, you want him to keep thinking about your lovely body.
First date tips: go with his plan unless there's a serious reason to try something else (e.g. it's deep-sea fishing and you get seasick easily). Don't keep changing plans. Show up on time or, at most, ten minutes late, otherwise you're being rude (being late may suggest to him that you don't value him or his time). Don't wear work clothes but something fresh. Avoid clothes that are too tight, especially if you''ll be eating, but don't overly stress about your outfit. Consider going to a salon for your hair. Keep conversation light with a give-and-take between you both and don't interrupt him when he's talking or ignore what he says; pay attention and show excitement. Don't overdo the alcohol! Don't take forever ordering. Be nice to wait-staff and busboys. Don't order the most expensive stuff on the menu (pick up cues from him about acceptable price levels). Don't wear jeans or show too much cleavage. If the date goes well (you want to see him again) give him a clear signal that you like him such as (1) not-too-long kiss on the lips (2) arrange a second date. But you must wait for him to call you for a second date; if he doesn't (no call within a week or so) that's a no -- he doesn't want to see you again but wants to avoid a confrontation. Don't send too many phone messages or emails.
Second date tips: you can start paying for parts of the date. Try new things. Go new places. Talk about new things. Again, don't sleep with him afterwards, but your goodbye signal should be equivalent to or greater than your first date's goodbye kiss. While the first date should more-or-less be planned by the man, you can exert more influence at this point about where you go. Don't talk about marriage and kids. Don't ask him his salary (so he doesn't think you're only interested in him as as sugar daddy.)
Remember that key holidays and occasions have particular value since they fill his mind with pleasant associations. If you can date him on Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve, he'll associate you with pleasant memories of presents, fun parties, family and fun (if he had a good upbringing.) If he's Irish, seeing you in green on Saint Patrick's Day is a plus for you.
Don't overthink. It'll work or it won't. He'll call or he won't. Don't endlessly fret about it. Get feedback and fix things when you can. But keep dating! Dating adviser Heide Banks wrote that the only real danger is that we might "close our hearts to the possibility that love exists."[18]

Flirting

Much of the advice which applies to men will apply to women as well. The basic flirt maneuver is: look at him; when his eyes meet yours, look down and smile (blush if possible). When your eyes met, briefly, it was

Country singer Shania Twain is a master of flirting.
Learn her moves. Photo: David Swales ccsa3.0

exciting for a brief moment. It's like you shared a secret understanding. Other people are unaware of your glance. You think he's worth looking at and you're telling him this by having him catch you being slightly naughty. By looking down for a second, you give him a chance to look at you and study your face. This is a sign of sexual interest that communicates clearly in every culture in the world.

Advanced flirting is like peek-a-boo for adults. You disappear then SURPRISE you're back. Peek-a-boo! Male country star Kenny Chesney uses hats to hide his eyes from time to time then looks up revealing his eyes; essentially this is a peek-a-boo maneuver applied to the eyes only, but there are lots of maneuvers you can try. You feign a look of surprise, temporary fear, danger for only a brief moment, then smile. You're relaxed. You created tension, momentarily. You mash seriousness and frivolity into a cute ball and toss it to him to catch. You catch his eye, then raise one eyebrow. You're celebrating the Grand-Canyon-like difference between the sexes, that you're a woman, and he's a man; isn't that great! To study female flirting, watch Shania Twain flirt non-stop in this video: I Ain't No Quitter. Eyeball rolls, body shakes, finger wagging, Shania is a master. [19] You can be too! Lean in, grab his shoulder, and whisper something. It won't matter much what you say. He'll like it. If you shake hands, one move is to bring both hands to enclose his hands; many men like this.

Broaden your presence with technology

Men are attracted visually. So make it easy for him to find pictures of you. If you went out on a date, get a picture of you to give him afterwards (or send it via email or mail). Online dating is a reality today and you should participate in sites which you like. If possible, figure out which are the most expensive sites (you'll be limiting yourself to hopefully more financially capable men), and focus your energies there. Some online dating tips when contacting somebody by email before you've met them:

Keep text messages such as emails friendly, funny, flattering.
Don't over-write or reveal too much.
Don't suggest meeting right away, but don't postpone meeting the person indefinitely (the risk is that you'll fall for someone before you see what they look like.) One gay man finally met his email companion in person, only to find out that his date literally had no legs. [20]
It's acceptable to not respond to emails for people who don't interest you. Why? Marc Zakian suggests "any kind of emailed reply, even a rejection, may trigger a reply in kind, and end up wasting one's time." [21]

Assume your date will google you. What will he find? So you should google yourself. This is why it's advisable to have a web presence which doesn't include your past boyfriends or videos of you in varying states of sedation, in public, singing and splashing in fountains. Try googling your name along with keywords such as boyfriend or husband or lesbian or gay or partner or spouse to see what comes up -- it's possible prospective dates may do similar searches on you and conclude, by mistake, that you're married or not aligned firmly with the heterosexual persuasion. If googling yourself results in a weird panoply of information which may turn off a prospective date, one possible counter-strategy is to deliberately swamp the Internet with positive images and stories about yourself to drown out that unfortunate weekend encounter with the mayonnaise and the motorcycles and you shouting giddyap at passing trucks.

Have a Facebook strategy. Remember that it is not a private medium such that anything you or your friends post is screamingly public, sometimes difficult to erase, and may last until the next Big Bang. If you try to drop Facebook -- surprise -- it keeps all your personal information to sell. At the same time, Facebook is an excellent way to circulate enticing pictures of your beautiful self free of charge, and it allows you to delete photos if you're in them. Accordingly, monitor pictures of yourself. Delete photos which are embarrassing or awkward or compromising. Avoid pictures of you with men; even photos of you hugging your adult brother may look like it's another man (at the very least, make sure the caption says that it's your brother.) Enlist your Facebook girlfriends to do similarly to collectively guard your public images (your first priority should be images not words or comments which are usually less important.) Your Facebook photos should show you at your prettiest, by yourself or with your girlfriends, looking marriageable and virtuous and clean in beautiful locations. Keep these excellent pictures active by encouraging your girlfriends to comment on them from time to time so they're seen by others.

Get a friend to videotape you answering questions as if you're a guest on a TV talk show. Then, replay the videotape and compare your performance with professionals from TV. How do you look? What feeling did you get watching yourself? How can you improve? Do you have any distracting mannerisms? You'd be surprised what you might learn.

Speed dating? These events feature rapid-fire one-on-one meetings within a group format. Advantages include efficiency, cost-effectiveness, and lessening the chance of being on an "embarrassing disaster date"; disadvantages include it becoming a beauty contest with less chance to get to know somebody beyond their looks. [22]

The best approach is probably online dating websites which are continually evolving. A research study by the Pew organization found high levels of customer satisfaction and renewal rates. It's becoming increasingly accepted with less of a stigma.[16] One estimate was that three million Americans had entered into long-term relationships or marriage in 2005 as a result of meeting on a dating website. [23]

Marketing your future faithfulness

A man's worst reproductive nightmare as I said earlier is to find out his wife of twenty years was unfaithful, and he's raising some other guy's kids. And with women's equality and empowerment and earning power, there are even more opportunities for women to be unfaithful. They're not stuck on a lonely farm where the only possibilities for cheating are with an occasional traveling salesman; rather, opportunities for cheating abound everywhere and thoroughly annoy the male consciousness. Please understand that men have a justifiable fear of getting hitched to a feckless woman. So you want to avoid giving off any signs while dating that you'll possibly be unfaithful, disloyal, or even consider another partner.

When dating, only see him.
Don't talk about past boyfriends or other men. Come across almost virginal. He'll probably assume you're not a virgin, but you want to avoid thoughts which plant in his mind the image of you sleeping or kissing or hugging any other men. When dating him, all other men disappear, including men in your past. They never existed. You don't remember their names. You don't talk about them one iota. Never ever ever talk about past boyfriends!
Do not flirt with other men when you're with one man. Any boost you get by making him jealous may backfire later when he is looking for a long term commitment.
Don't sleep with him on the first date if possible. It signals you're easy; he may think you'll sleep with other men based on negligible wooing, and he may be less likely to see you as marriageable. Wait until he falls for you before sleeping with him (or see guidelines below); it's worth it.
Avoid giving the impression that you're a horny woman or possessed with strong sexual urges. Don't play music by women singing about how horny they are. This is scary to a man seeking a hopefully faithful wife. If you do have strong sexual urges, downplay them as long as possible. Marriageable men want good gatekeepers, not tramps. Don't let him catch you peeking at his crotch or butt; keep your eyes above his neck or below his knees.
Avoid kissing in public or other displays of affection, particularly if you're in a closed world such as a high school or college campus where people talk.
Don't put a guy on hold when on the phone, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. Don't answer your cell phone during a date (he'll assume it's another guy); rather, put it on silent mode or turn it off.
If you plan to keep your maiden name even after marrying, keep this to yourself while dating. Your refusal to adopt his surname is a sign, small but possibly upsetting to your relationship at some point, that you don't respect him that much, that marrying him isn't that important to you, that your father's name is more important to you than his name, that your independence is more important than your marriage. Using your maiden name says, in effect, that you're still single; changing your name says, in effect, you're married. This signals society about your status. Remember how guys think: they're especially worried today with the incredible opportunities open to women that you may be unfaithful; they may not tell you this, but some may think this way. Of course, some men may be perfectly happy with whatever name you choose, but I bet the majority of men will say they're happy with your choice but deep down may be slightly irked. Later on, if you have children together, other parents may assume you're divorced or separated because your surname differs from your husband's; I know of one situation in which an elementary school child was teased about her parents being "divorced", when this was not the case, because of confusion about surnames.

If you have strong opinions about womens' rights or economic empowerment or any political subject, it's probably best, especially at first, to keep them to yourself. It's good to have opinions on selected subjects which show that you're a thinker and person with convictions; that makes you interesting and helps a man to respect you. But you want to avoid a situation in which your views and his conflict directly. You can win an argument or make your point, but you may be telling him on a subtle level that you don't respect his views -- there's a chance you may not be faithful to him. What's the point about winning an argument if you lose a potential spouse? The issues don't really matter here, do they? Be sensitive to this area. It may be that a man wants a combative, feisty opinionated woman to spar intellectually with, and who isn't worried that she will be unfaithful despite her independent-mindedness; in this case, argue to your hearts content. But my general sense is that most men who are good marriage material are sensitive, on some level, to signs suggesting that you'll be unfaithful; and one of the warning signs is to flaunt your independent self-righteous mind in his face by disagreeing with his views, by challenging his politics, by saying you think differently from him. It's not about kow-towing to a male prerogative. Rather, it's about giving your future husband sign after sign after sign after sign after sign (after sign after sign etc) that if he invests his hard-earned money on children which you both create together, that his children will indeed be his children. Save your debates for TV talk shows like Crossfire. Do your arguing with peers at work or with friends you know well. When you're at a party and your man gets into a debate with some other guy about some topic, side with your man whether you agree with him or not.

Changing gears

Suppose you're on a first or second date and it's not going well. You want him. But he's looking down, won't make eye contact, won't commit to follow up plans, and the conversation languishes. You're fairly sure he's

Switch gears. You're a fashion photographer. Make him
pose. Bend him into weird contortions. Speak in your
best fake Frenssssh akkzunt. Photo: Atena ccsa2.0

not into you. What you've been doing hasn't been working; there's a disconnect somewhere. You're pretty enough for him (since he asked you on the date, he considers you to be poke-able) but maybe the chemistry isn't right? Or maybe a stray comment gave off the wrong impression? Or maybe there's still potential but you must grease the gears somehow? Most likely, this will be the last time you see him and you should be prepared to be Buddhist-like and let go, or be Spinoza-like and shrug your shoulders. It wasn't meant to happen. Such is life. (If interested, see my article Philosophy of Spinoza: an introduction. ) Try to learn from it. Don't get obsessive about it. There's more to life. There are other men.

But suppose your date is not yet over, and you still want to make a play for him, and you realize you're unlikely to ever see him again since he's not a work-mate or school chum or friend-of-a-friend or hopefully not your first cousin. Then consider that you have an opportunity to experiment -- if you can keep a straight face -- and practice your feminine wiles:

Tell him something along these lines: I read somewhere on the web (and you did -- right here) that it might be bad karma if later tonight you imagine my body while masturbating since it is a sign that you're starting to fall in love with me yet we're separated in time and space. I'm concerned about your physical well-being. So promise me you will not think about my body later tonight when you're alone in your bed? I want to protect you! Will you promise? And you shoot him a look of genuine concern like he's about to jump his motorcycle over the Grand Canyon without a parachute. He'll probably think you're weird or wacky but so what? You're free to experiment! And with this tactic you're making it very difficult for him not to think about your body when he thumps away later. You're prompting him to associate (1) images in his brain of your body and (2) physical pleasure. And this association works to your benefit. Of course, don't sleep with him whatever happens! If he calls you in a few days, maybe your strategy worked? (Oh, and is him thinking about your body bad karma? Feel free to pose this question to any garbed religious person of your choosing.) Whatever, don't be too serious. You're having fun. And if you catch him looking at your body, tell him lightly, playfully hey, stop looking at my body! Ratchet up your teasing: hey if you develop erectile dysfunction two years from now it's not my fault and my lawyer will have to contact you to sign a release! Play with his head. If you can get him to laugh, you're winning him over.
Cry slowly, calmly, beautifully. Think of something particularly sad and get those tears flowing (you actress you). Men can't stand women crying. He may ask: why are you crying? You do not need to give a reason. Men think women are emotional. Men have long since given up trying to fathom why women are emotional. You can get away with crying without a reason whenever you want. The whole idea is to get him to hug you and kiss you or he may roll his eyes. Enjoy a good make-out session but don't sleep with him! You're changing gears.
Count the erections. Surely, dear reader, from your excellent knowledge of history you know that count-the-erections was a popular game from thirteenth century Venice near the canals. What? You don't
Let's play a game, my dear...
Portrait of a woman by J. J. Lefebvre
remember? Well! The idea is simple: hug your date; then count the erections. That's it! Start by telling him: Let's do a scientific experiment. (If he balks, tease him about being chicken, or being afraid of science, and why oh why are men so afraid of science?!) You say: Hug me. If he's not relaxed while hugging, then you say: You're not relaxed. It won't work if you're not relaxed. Relax. Let's try again. I want this to be scientific. And you hug again. Now, you separate and tell him: Okay, count the erections! Keep a straight clinical scientific accounting-type face (you actress you). It doesn't matter much what anybody says, but consider possible answers: Six: one penis one clitoris your two nipples and my two nipples makes six count 'em six! And you touch one of his nipples science-like and say engorged! Here's another possible answer -- Zero: your penis and two nipples are plus three but my clitoris and two nipples are minus three and shrunken in because of what you said a half an hour ago so everything averages out to zero! OR A half: your left nipple is slightly engorged so you must be a Democrat! OR One: your penis is clearly fully extended (and it isn't of course) but don't worry there are medical procedures to double it to perhaps two inches; one of my girlfriends is a pygmy who would be DELIGHTED to meet you. Can I have her call you? Keep a straight face. What you're doing is playing, teasing, trying to see a new side of him, but of course you don't sleep with him! If he tries to touch you anywhere private, gently tell him nope off limits.
Gramma's big fat toe. I know; why didn't I bring this up first? The idea is: one person asks a question; the other replies "Gramma's big fat toe" while keeping a straight face. If a person smiles or laughs, they lose! So you ask him "What gets Grampa aroused?" Ask: "What is Gramma's second most sensitive area?" Ask: "What prevents Gramma from getting pregnant?" You get the idea.

Remember these are last-ditch strategies unlikely to have much impact. You''ll probably never see him again. Whatever happens, you have a duty to yourself to have fun, to learn from such experiences, and to grow as a person. Your highest duty is to yourself. Learn! Respect yourself!

Sex

You've probably noticed how short this section is (for women) compared to the mens' sex section. There's a reason for this. Remember math? There are independent and dependent variables. The dependent variable depends on the independent variable, of course. And in sex, as you know, women are (usually) the dependent variable -- depending on the man to know what to do, to act, to bring you to climax (although roles are changing). Generally, here's one area where, especially at first, the man must lead. You don't have to do anything to bring your man to orgasm. He'll get there. Let the man lead, especially at first.

Think of your body being like a car. Your man is an unlicensed teenager at the wheel. You're riding shotgun. You may or may not arrive at your destination of having an orgasm. There might be a fender bender, hopefully not a

Reuben sandwiches work best.
Photo of Meg Ryan.
Jeff Skoll ccsa2.5

crash. Strap yourself in, smile, and hope for the best. He's the driver. You're the passenger. Try not to sound too much like a driving instructor unless of course he veers too much across the double yellow line! Watch out for that oncoming truck! And don't even think about driving on the chocolate highway! And resist a temptation to introduce extraneous things like too much talking; don't blast the radio when he's trying to drive. Don't yank the gear shift into reverse.

You've watched the movie When Harry Met Sally. Fake an orgasm by imagining yourself eating the right sandwich (isn't that what Meg Ryan did? --- oh, oh, oh, oooohhhhhh!) If it's been thirty minutes of sexual fumbling and you're feeling tired or chafed or bored, you can yank your orgasming-pastrami-sandwich trick out of your bag and splay it on your bed. Men usually buy it. It will help his ego, superficially. But in the long run, you're better off giving him accurate feedback so he can improve. If you like him, sex will usually get better over time and you can lead him with little hints and suggestions. Savvy readers will copy-and-paste the men's section on sex (above), print it out, and leave it around your apartment somewhere for him to stumble upon it. What's this? he asks. Oh maybe Aunt Ruthie left it by accident? What's it about? Is it a recipe to marinate chicken? you ask innocently. Cut-and-paste only the section on sex hints -- you don't want him reading this WHOLE article, now, do you, dear reader, or do you? (It is a recipe for marinating chicken!)

So, let's limit this section to one word: douche. Probably a good idea before sex. Enough said.

Should you sleep with a marriageable man?

If you get the sense that he's hungry for sex but only for sex with you, and that he's sincere and committed to you, and if he's definitely marriageable, then waiting for four to twelve dates or several weeks before succumbing is a clear signal to him that you're hard to get into bed -- and therefore will be hard for other men to get you into bed as well -- a strong plus in your column. This is highly important. If he's really into you, he'll respect you for holding out. But waiting too long risks losing him too, since human urges are powerful and there are many alternatives for him. Unfortunately there are no hard-and-fast guidelines here, so judgment is required. One question to ask yourself: does he help you feel the way you want to feel about yourself? If so, this is a clear sign to take the relationship further.

It's important for you to get a sense, before sleeping with him, if he will guard your reputation. Watch for warning signs: has he talked about any past girlfriends? what do your girlfriends say about him? does he have a reputation as a ladies' man? Particularly if you're in a closed community, you need to make sure that if you sleep with him, that he won't broadcast your lovemaking on YouTube or post billboards around your hometown revealing you in positions of identifiable nakedness. If this happens, you're justified in doing whatever it takes to dismantle these violations of your privacy, perhaps even suing him if it's possible.

Suppose you like him. He's fallen for you. You have sex regularly and it's great. Then, the much bigger and more important issue is for how long? Give yourself a fixed amount of time to figure out if he wants to marry you. How long? Three months? Six months? Five years? The upside to having a longer cohabiting relationship is that you and he get to know each other better, become more comfortable with each other's routines, and grow together. But the downside is that if he's never going to commit to you, then a substantial portion of your finite and limited amount of time with which you have to find a husband has been wasted. When dating a man steadily who won't commit, you've effectively taken yourself out of the marriage market.

So, you must have the dreaded conversation, preferably sooner than later. What are your intentions? What's the future? Are we going to get married someday? You can also use the disappearing strategy too (see above) to get inside his head. And you must be prepared to walk out and not delude yourself that you'll one day be married to him. Stop having sex with him. If you've moved in with him, move back out. Get yourself back into the market; start dating. At this point you should not depend on words but actions. Rejecting him at this point may cause him to realize that he loves you and genuinely wants to marry you, but at this point, only deeds count. Where's the ring? You should insist on a fairly expensive looking ring at this point. My general recommendation (it will vary with circumstances of course) is to avoid moving in together until the relationship is fairly serious -- and by serious I mean definitely headed towards a marriage. Not moving in with him gives you a huge measure of freedom to break it off, since you can merely stop dating him.

Strategies for plain Janes

Suppose you're reasonably attractive but beauty isn't your strongest suit. It still helps your overall beauty quotient if you see yourself as pretty and communicate your sense of self-worth through your attitude. Make eye contact. Relax. Don't skulk or mope or frown. Smile! You can compensate for a plain face by getting closer, showing more skin. Your natural bodily curves get even more attractive up close, in the moonlight or candlelight or both.

Get close. Show skin. Your body will glow in the
moonlight. Photo by S. Maloman.ccsa2.0

The great thing is that there are gloriously wondrous new opportunities for dating and mating! Your career and salary and overall financial competence makes you an excellent fit for a physically attractive but career-challenged man. Both of you are struggling in the marriage market perhaps by looking for the wrong type of mate. Would you consider becoming the dominant economic powerhouse of a relationship and marrying a mister mom type? If so, jettison many of the rules and guidelines above. Trust yourself to know which ones to jettison. You do not need to sit at home waiting for a man to call. Take charge. Pursue him. Look for a guy who you find attractive physically and who you would love to sleep with and who has assets which possibly complement yours, such as a pleasing personality, good education, caring attitude, family connections, or some other grab-bag of pluses. Would he be a good caregiver of your children? Is he responsible? Would he be loyal to you? Such men exist. You can find them. Call him at 11pm and say hey there's a spider in my shower! I'm scared! Please come quickly! When dating, it's especially important that you get inside his head and figure out what he's about (women are especially excellent at figuring out how men think, usually.) Find a guy you genuinely like.

Part of the key of courting a future mister-mom type is understanding his need for respect is perhaps even greater than for regular successful guys whose self-image is confirmed by peers, work associates, titles and business cards. So deftly handle situations which downplay the fact that you have money and he doesn't; for example, let him pay the bill at a fancy restaurant with his credit card (but you reimburse him afterwards privately). Make money a non-issue. Seduce him with the pleasurable stuff that money can buy. Tell him you have two complimentary tickets to a hot basketball game from your workplace and if unused they'll be wasted; when he agrees to go with you, then buy the tickets, and pretend to enjoy the bouncing ball and sneaker squeaks and roar of the crowds. Call him often. Rent a car for a weekend getaway but include him on the rental agreement as a driver; find an excuse for him being the driver -- men love driving cars because it makes them feel like they're in control. Ask his advice. Worship him in little ways. Do not buy him things which he can use to woo other women; rather, make sure your money goes towards experiences when you're together. Men have a strong sex drive so open the pleasure spigot and fake orgasms regularly (you actress you). When you feel it's time, get him to commit to marrying you (you buy the rings) or dump him like yesterday's newspaper.

Time strategies

New opportunities can open up when people realize a big change is about to happen. Consider the last year of high school or college; students realize people they've been ignoring for four years will suddenly be gone, and, realizing this, decide to take a risk. It's now or never. It's like a dance, about to end for the evening, and people become more willing to take that one chance. Be alert for such changes.

This sense of urgency, leading people to open up and take a risk, grows as one ages from one's twenties to thirties to forties. Think of a football game. At the beginning, time doesn't matter much because there's plenty of it, but as the game nears the end, it can become a strategic factor. Players and coaches pay more attention to the clock in the final quarter. Sometimes the ball is thrown out of bounds deliberately to stop the clock. Like time-based sports, romance is similar, so that in a person's twenties, time isn't much of an issue -- you can marry or not and still have plenty of opportunities, have fun, explore, try new things. But in your early thirties, time becomes a strategic issue. Women become concerned about their ticking biological clock. One woman described men like buses -- when one pulls up but it's packed, should you get on? You're never quite sure how much time will elapse until the next one comes along. And, as time goes by, the buses become fewer with greater intervals of time between them. A general strategy is to consider the broader expanse of your life and have an idea of what you want to accomplish, and when, and plan. Don't wait until your mid-thirties or forties to marry. Time considerations are important for both sexes, but are particularly important for women, since they have a somewhat more limited time frame for reproduction.

Engaged couple.

Perhaps the hardest thing to do is be ready when opportunities happen. This is extremely difficult. You may not know that you have an excellent opportunity with a marriageable man until the opportunity has almost blown by. You won't know everything. You can't see the future. You have to make the best guess you can. Is he the right man? And there is no guideline, no sure thing, no checklist, but be ready when these opportunities come along. Miss a day of work if necessary. Be open to these moments. Focus your mind and body and heart and soul totally into these moments and when they're upon you, give them your full attention. Put everything else on hold. And trust your deep instincts and make a decision. If it works, great; if not, dust yourself off, cry it out if necessary, and be ready for the next moment.

I urge readers to check out Danielle Crittenden's controversial book What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us. She was trying to figure out why many modern women are unhappy despite the huge advancements in women's rights and opportunities. Women had careers, money, many in exciting and challenging fields, but many were frustrated by not being able to find suitable husbands at the right time; if they were married, it was difficult for them to juggle kids and careers. Her book chronicles extensive female angst. She argues (convincingly for me) that it's difficult for a woman to have both a career and family at the same time. Her advice: women should marry in their early to mid twenties since their relative beauty enables them to secure a better marriage bargain (from a better pool of available men), have families when they're young and healthy and fertility isn't a problem; in their thirties, with kids in school and not needing as much attention, they should focus more intently on their careers; in their forties and fifties, there would still be a career pathway to keep them happy. In other words, Crittenden advises a somewhat counter-intuitive strategy. It isn't perfect; it breaks up the smooth transition between college and career with a ten-year baby-raising hiatus which can hinder a woman's overall career prospects. But she argues that it's a much better alternative than working hard on a career during the twenties and early thirties, and then trying to find a man as a thirty-five year old woman, marry, settle down, and juggle family and career responsibilities. The sheen of beauty may not be as powerful a lure during those years; and men may have less biological interest in a woman with a greatly diminished fertility timeline. There are many unhappy career women out there with ticking biological clocks who want families, but are deeply connected with their workplaces and routines and have a difficult time dating and meeting up with marriageable men. They aren't happy. I agree that these aren't easy choices. But I think Crittenden's advice is essentially right, and I urge young single women in their early twenties to pay careful attention to what she's saying.

Online dating tips

Study lots of profiles to get a feeling for what kinds of persons you're interested in.
Don't reveal information about your location or address; don't give out your email address even, or your work location or phone.
Assume information may not be true until you confirm it's veracity.
Ask questions.
Take time and learn about the other person.
Meet in well-lit public places. Tell a friend before you're going where you're going; call them during the date from your cellphone to tell them you're okay.
Be in charge of your own transportation to and from the date.

Other issues

One last general strategy tip for both sexes: if you've been trying without luck for years, consider moving to a different country. You'd be surprised how things might open up dramatically. Things become unstuck. Your mannerisms, accent and dress, possibly boring to people in your own land, have suddenly become exotic, fresh, exciting to foreigners. During World War II, when U.S. soldiers were stationed in Britain, there were considerable numbers of pairings between American men and British women, many growing into marriages. Was it the unexpected freshness of the accent? Or did the risk of battlefield death hasten people to make choices? Consider a different nation. It's worth a try. Cultural differences can pose a problem; there are reports of western women having difficulty finding Chinese men in Beijing, for example.[24] Some countries seem to go together romantically; for example, many of my American male friends married Philippine women and have happy marriages. Choose a country where you might possibly live, where the language barrier is minimal (hopefully), learn the culture, and date.

While I've mapped out a rather neat looking set of guidelines for each sex, please remember that roles are changing rapidly today. It's highly possible to swap strategies and roles since there is a growing political and economic equality between the sexes. For example, men can play hard to get. Women can ask men out. While these aren't usually the best strategies, they can work for some people in some situations. Overall, it's further evidence of the wonderful new opportunities that have opened up for everybody.

There's is one more issue I should probably raise before I finish here. It's ethics. Consider there are four possibilities:

She doesn't like him; he doesn't like her -- no problem. But why were you people dating to begin with?
She likes him but he doesn't like her -- broken heart.
She doesn't like him; he likes her -- rejection.
They like each other -- love.

And most dating situations, unfortunately, will be #2 or #3. That's life. That's how it is. Many sad pop songs focus on the theme of unrequited love. When we're on the butt-end of rejection it's going to hurt, sometimes deeply. When we're the rejector, we won't care -- it will feel like we've merely wasted our time and won't think much about it. And there are no ways to reject somebody without dishing out some pain, unfortunately.

But I think it makes sense that for all persons in the mating and dating game to try to be sensitive to these situations. When possible, try to reject someone gently, tactfully, respectfully. Realize that there's probably somebody else out there for them. Help them connect with other people. If most people date throughout their twenties and into their thirties, there will be lots of pollution from rejected dates floating around like sludge which can build up into a kind of general sourness with the opposite sex. I think everybody should have a duty to try to minimize this pollution as best we can. We have a duty to ourselves to connect with our best possible mate. But we also have a duty to take care of the dating environment for others. Help people succeed at this difficult task. Be ethical. Don't lead on somebody you're not seriously interested in. Consider becoming a matchmaker to worthwhile persons you've rejected and help them find people. And if you find a sourness with the opposite sex taking hold, it's possible to think through why this is the case, and make it vanish instantly by realizing that it's nobody's fault. Stuff happens. It's life.

But your highest ethical obligation is to yourself. It's your job to try to make yourself as happy as possible.

And if you decide to marry, make a lifetime commitment to your future spouse, akin to making a nonrefundable purchase. Your mindset should be: you're marrying for the long term. You won't return your

Marriage brings many benefits:
love, companionship, family.

spouse to the dealership after a few years, receipt in hand, complaining of squeaky wheels or wobbly steering or rattling noises at high speeds. You've decided on a life course. Stick with it. When problems happen later (and they will) you'll work them out together, hopefully, because there are many benefits to being married, particularly as people get older:

financial stability -- each can help the other if jobs are downsized
a caretaker should either of you become ill or disabled
a person who understands and loves you
another pair of eyes to see the world
somebody with skills that complement yours
somebody to share life with, meaning that...
you're done with dating and can get on to mating in the twenty tens

One last thing: I am not a fan of lavish weddings or expensive honeymoons, particularly if a financially struggling couple bears much of the expense. Spending $50, 000 on a one day aristocratic-themed flowery pageant with expensive meals and rented clothes seems wasteful; why not invest surplus funds in the down-payment for a house? Starting off married life with a huge wedding bill is not an expense that a young struggling couple needs, so why not have a simpler celebration, perhaps at somebody's house, with homegrown meals rather than professional catering? Even if an expensive wedding can be paid for by well-heeled relatives, why not have these funds as a one-time gift to the couple, perhaps to invest in stocks or for a rainy-day fund? Honeymoons can be problem-prone since this is the first time, usually, that two people are thrust into each other's space for a week or two, feeling pressure to enjoy every minute. Wouldn't a shorter trip, perhaps an overnight or weekend jaunt, be more sensible? If this is the first time a couple is moving in together, then that should be the post-wedding focus: organizing the new household, adjusting to new routines, setting up shop. The honeymoon mythology sprouted from a premise that a couple had to get away from family and friends to have their first sex -- to jumpstart their sexual selves after years of tortured and lustful waiting -- to get those babies rolling through the pipeline. Today, however, things are different: couples have been having sex regularly before the wedding, and couples will not be cranking out babies like an auto factory assembly line. I've seen videos of bored couples honeymooning, so bored, in fact, that much time was spent shooting the honeymoon video. The general strategy for marriage is the same for sex -- ease into it.

Good luck!!!

Note: This is an active article undergoing constant improvement, hopefully getting better as I learn new things. I urge readers to offer suggestions and advice and criticism; I will incorporate good suggestions when I can. Do you disagree with any particular choice? Let me know. Is there a better article on the web? Show me. My aim is to make this the BEST ARTICLE on the web for this purpose. Readers may be interested in my screenplay about changing gender relations called Fifteenth Reunion which is like Notting Hill meets There's Something About Mary. If you like this article, put links on the web which point to it. -- tom sulcer August 2010.

Other articles I've written:

Mentally healthy mind An exploration of human flourishing
History of citizenship in the United States Essay on the transformation of citizenship from the 1700s to the present
Common Sense II Terrorism prevention strategy -- not recommended for most readers
An American's perspective on New Zealand Travel account
Philosophy of Spinoza: An introduction Overview of 17th century philosopher's thinking
Fifteenth Reunion Romantic comedy screenplay
Amazing humans: Dr. Karyn Marshall -- champion weightlifter turned chiropractor
The Second Constitution of the United States Improved constitution fixing foreign policy, citizenship, gerrymandering, and more, based on the original 1787 document

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